Dark kitchens: This is where your Deliveroo takeaway in Leeds really comes from

Dark kitchens: This is where your Deliveroo takeaway in Leeds really comes from

These are the 16 Deliveroo restaurants in Leeds that take orders until 2am
Which restaurants are using the Leeds site and which brands have they set up?
1. Proove Pizza. Proove already has eat-in restaurants in Sheffield and Manchester, and operate a kitchen at Scott Hall Mills for takeaway orders. However, they’ve also opened a new brand from their rented unit – Pizza Stars, which is delivery-only. While Proove focuses on traditional Italian pizzas, Pizza Stars’ offerings are inspired by New York deep dish pizzas. The good news is that the market testing has been effective – Proove are opening a Leeds restaurant very soon, according to their website.
2. Zouk Tea Bar . The Indian restaurant and shisha lounge has restaurants in Manchester and Bradford, and the Manchester site is popular with celebrities and footballers – Drake, Rihanna and Mario Balotelli have all visited. They serve Zouk food from their Editions kitchen in Scott Hall Mills, but have also launched two new, associated takeaway-only brands, called Khana Wala and Spice of India. It’s not known if there are plans to open a restaurant in Leeds.
3. Noodle Inn . Another Sheffield restaurant which has expanded into Leeds by opening an Editions kitchen. As well as noodle dishes, they have launched two new brands from their unit – Japanese-inspired Mr Miyagi Ramen & Bao and dim sum La Mei Zi.
You can also order Halo Top ice cream to be delivered from the site.
How Deliveroo is changing the Leeds takeaway scene
What does the restaurant industry think of dark kitchens?
Although many new, millennial-friendly brands and large chains have embraced Deliveroo Editions, there has been suspicion and hostility from the traditional restaurant industry, who have warned of the effect on footfall.
Yawar Khan, chairman of the Asian Catering Federation, even suggested that the rise of takeaway apps could kill off sit-down restaurants completely.
“We have already lost a vast amount of retail volume to online business – empty properties with To Let boards are everywhere. We need restaurants to drive the footfall, which is vital for surviving business.”
What do trade unions think?
Concerns have been raised over treatment of staff, who have less human interaction that their counterparts in busy restaurants and tend to work in much more cramped conditions.
However, many chains offer higher hourly pay to Editions chefs to compensate for this.There are also fears that food hygiene and allergen control standards are not as high in dark kitchens, though Deliveroo’s Editions business in Leeds has a five-star hygiene rating.
Surely more choice is good for customers?
If you live in certain parts of Leeds and use the Deliveroo app, you’ll have noticed an expansion in the range of restaurants available to deliver to your door, even if you live outside the city centre delivery radius area. This is largely due to the opening of Scott Hall Mills as a Deliveroo Editions site. It increases customer choice and also gives you access to new menus and brands that don’t have restaurants attached to them.
There’s also the Food Market feature, allowing you to mix and match dishes from completely different businesses – you can order pizza with ramen if you want to. This is only available if the menus are listed as Deliveroo Editions, because the respective kitchen units are located on the same site.
Although the brands are labelled as Editions on the Deliveroo app, users may not realise that this means their food is coming from a dark kitchen rather than a restaurant, and some people might feel misled by the situation.
Why do the restaurant chains like it?
Operating an Editions kitchen is much cheaper – rents and utility costs are lower as the space is smaller and is usually away from expensive high street locations. Deliveroo also provide kitchen equipment.
Deliveroo also support Editions clients to brand and market their business and tenants can save on food costs and cut wastage.
What do Deliveroo say about Editions kitchens?
A spokesperson for the firm said: “Deliveroo Editions kitchens are helping local restaurants deal with industry pressures whilst enabling them to reach new customers to boost their revenues.
“Editions are purpose-built delivery only kitchens, allowing restaurants to set up shop without having to open a premise on the high street. Restaurants who operate out of these kitchens don’t have the usual capital costs of setting up a bricks and mortar site, which can run into the hundreds of thousands of pounds.
“Through Editions kitchens, Deliveroo supports restaurants to create virtual brands. Creating virtual restaurants allows existing restaurants to increase revenue and attract more customers by offering new or complementary cuisines from their current kitchen, but under new branding.
“Deliveroo uses its rich data to identify local food trends and cuisine demand to partner with restaurants to create menus which will appeal to local audiences with pricing that will also be attractive to consumers.” Trending These are the Leeds businesses given one and two-star food hygiene ratings in 2019 Leeds plot shock £21.6m swoop, ex-Liverpool star reveals Aston Villa snub, West Brom winger wanted by Crystal Palace plus updates on Bristol City and Hull – Championship rumours The 16 worst areas in Leeds for crime in 2019 according to police – how does your area compare? Phil Hay’s Championship Team of the Year – which Leeds United players make the grade? This is how the Championship table will look at the end of the season according to Football Manager The Essentials

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A Brief History of That Most Noble Tuber, the Potato

via Bloomsbury Rebecca Earle Brings a Little Humanity to a Humble Vegetable Lit Hub via 3 Quarks Daily March 28, 2019 by Rebecca Earle
Omphalos
Those times when we grew gold, pure gold …
All 4,500 named varieties of potatoes trace their ancestry to the Americas. Wild potatoes grow along the American cordillera, the mountains that run from the Andes to Alaska. People living on its slopes have been eating potatoes for time out of mind. Stone tools and preserved potato peels show that wild potatoes were being prepared for food in southern Utah and south-central Chile nearly 13,000 years ago; similar evidence dates their domestication from at least 7800 BCE on the northern coast of Peru. They formed an important part of the diet of many of the cultures inhabiting the 9000 kilometers between Utah and Chile.
Together with foods such as quinoa and maize, they provided a robust, starchy backbone to cuisines also enriched with chile peppers, beans and other vegetables. Each variety can be propagated from a “mother potato.” She sounds like an ancient deity but in botany the term refers to the mundane tuber or seed potato that provides the genetic material from which additional plants are cultivated.
One difficulty with potatoes is that they are difficult to store. Anyone who has ever lost track of a bag of potatoes knows this. They have an unfortunate tendency to send forth a tangle of roots, and, worse, rot into a foul-smelling puddle. Andean peoples solved this problem by freeze-drying. Exposing potatoes to the intense cold of the high mountains transforms them into little fists of stone, immune to decay. The technique also neutralizes the poisonous glycoalkaloids present in some of the bitter varieties, allowing these to be eaten safely. If the potato-rocks are trampled underfoot like petrified grapes, it is possible to reduce them to a dry powder that lasts for years. This dried substance, chuño , captivated Spaniards when they first encountered it in the 16th century, and they invariably described in some detail how it is made. Europeans were however slow in adopting it themselves; it was left to industrial manufacturers in the 20th century to bring us Smash and other commercially produced instant mashed potatoes.
Because potatoes were an essential part of the daily diet in the Andean world, their cultivation was a matter of importance. Various rituals helped ensure an abundant harvest. One account from 16th-century Peru describes the festivities that marked the inauguration of the planting season in the mountain village of Lampa. Local dignitaries seated themselves on carpets to watch the proceedings. A procession of richly attired attendants accompanied the seed potatoes, which were carried by six men making music on drums. Events culminated with the sacrifice of a particularly beautiful llama, whose blood was immediately sprinkled on the potatoes. Comparable practices (not necessarily involving llama blood) persist to the present day. Spanish priests objected strongly to these ceremonies but were often powerless to prevent them.
The Andean writer Felipe de Guaman Poma de Ayala described the agricultural potato cycle in an extraordinary manuscript that he composed in the early 17th century, after the arrival of Europeans. The son of indigenous nobility, Guaman Poma was born shortly after the Spanish conquest of his homeland. Late in his life he was moved to recount the history that he had to some extent witnessed first-hand.
Guaman Poma’s New Chronicle , as he titled the 1,000-page text, offered a universal history of the world, from Adam and Eve, through the Inca monarchs, to the dismal period of Spanish rule, whose multiple evils Guaman Poma documented in detail. It also described the ritual calendars of both Christian and Incaic religions, and the agricultural tasks carried out each month. The chronicle is illustrated lavishly with Guaman Poma’s idiosyncratic and immensely appealing line drawings. Several show the labor required to cultivate the essential potato. Digging sticks in hand, a man and woman weed the field in the picture for June, while a second woman ports a heavy sack away for storage. Other drawings depict men and women at work sowing seed potatoes and tending the abundant plants.
No such imperial oversight was bestowed on potatoes. Unlike maize, which held a high status within the Inca state, potatoes were considered a lowly food, necessary but banal. Even in the potato’s omphalos they were viewed with some disdain. Along the Andes, maize was used to brew the all-important chicha or aqha , the corn beer that accompanied virtually every important political encounter. Potatoes played no comparable role in high diplomacy; for Andeans as for us, they were ordinary things. Guamon Poma contrasted the robust stature of maize eaters with puffy, effete villagers forced to subsist on dried chuño .
For these reasons, potatoes did not enjoy the intense state ritual lavished on the maize crop. The Inca himself participated every year in a symbolic maize-planting ceremony, to the accompaniment of music and song. Similar state-level festivities marked the maize harvest, and the intervening period was overseen by a team of priests who fasted throughout the planting season and kept track of the crop’s progress. In the sacred fields around the Inca capital, Cuzco, small gold replica cornstalks were interspersed among the growing maize, to “encourage” it. No such imperial oversight was bestowed on potatoes. Cultivated a village level, they were traded and consumed within more local orbits, their growth fostered by smaller rituals such as the one that took place centuries ago in Lampa, where the sprinkling of llama blood on seed potatoes distressed the Catholic cleric.
All potatoes nonetheless benefitted from the attention of the Potato Mother, Axomama, daughter of the earth goddess Pachamama, and sister to Saramama, the Maize Mother. As these names suggest, Andean potato language and cosmology are rich in feminine reproductive power. Plant breeders, perhaps unwittingly, replicate this vocabulary when they speak of the mother tubers from which all potato plants derive. Watching over the potato fields in the Andes—which scientists suggestively call the tuber’s “cradle area”—Axomama cares for her tuberous offspring. Together with her sisters and their all-powerful mother, Axomama controls the earth’s fertility, overseeing the growth of potatoes and other things necessary for sustenance. Household shrines to Pachamama and her fertile daughters balanced state-level neglect of potatoes. The veneration of this feminine dynasty long pre-dated the official rituals of the Inca empire, and persists to the present.
For Andean farmers, human history and human bodies were entangled with these plants and the broader universe. Beautiful or unusual potatoes were themselves miniature Potato Mothers, and all encapsulated the generative powers of the female body. “Corn and clay, potatoes and gold were linked together as emblems of female powers of creation,” writes the historian Irene Silverblatt.
Just as Abosch’s Potato 345 is at once a solid, earthly potato, an organic, living planet, and perhaps a human body, so a Potato Mother is the fecund mother plant used to breed up new generations of potatoes, and an ancient being in command of the earth’s powerful generative strength. Today Andean potato farmers coddle the skittish, feminine soil, hoping she’ll feel sweet enough to favor them with a good harvest. In the happier days before colonialism, they recall, “we grew gold, pure gold”: potatoes as golden nuggets, living stones.
The Moche, who lived along the northern coast of Peru in the first millennium CE, formed beautiful ceramic containers in the shape of potatoes. Moche potters often created realistic replicas of ordinary foodstuffs such as potatoes, or squash or maize. At the same time as they represented the elements of the mundane kitchen world these clay recreations alluded to the overarching spiritual universe that made all existence possible. In one vessel, four potatoes point to four corners of the universe.
They remind us that the story connecting humans to potatoes is a tale of violence as well as sustenance. Alongside such lovely earthenware vegetables Moche potters crafted disturbing vessels that meld human faces disfigured by cuts and slashes, missing lips and noses, with the form of a potato. A strange, bulbous figure looks back at us from one pot, its body formed from lumpy tubers. Three eyes stare out from its belly. Lacking lips, it can only grimace with its unnaturally wide mouth.
Redcliffe Salaman, the author of a monumental history of the potato first published in 1949, developed the theory that these pots depict the unfortunate victims of Andean harvest rituals. Some people, he surmised, were selected to represent the potato harvest. The more “eyes” a potato develops, the more shoots it sends out, which means it will produce more prolifically. Perhaps, in order to ensure a bountiful crop, these symbolic potato-people had additional eyes incised into their own bodies, or their lips excised to widen their mouths into another huge eye. Living Mr. Potato Heads, their faces became potatoes—people and potatoes superimposed to reveal their unexpected commonalities.
Anthropologists have questioned this interpretation, but that’s what I think of when viewing these strange pots. They remind us that the story connecting humans to potatoes is a tale of violence as well as sustenance.
The Great Hunger
“And where potato diggers are you still smell the running sore.”
In Ireland the connections between potatoes, people, sustenance and suffering run deep. The Great Famine of 1845 to 1848, which resulted in the death or emigration of a fifth of the population, marked Irish history. Potatoes arrived in Ireland in the sixteenth century, probably from Spain, and over the next centuries came to play an ever more important role in the diet of the Irish poor. The potato’s superlative power to convert earth and light into calories made it possible for entire families to live on the minute patches of land onto which the rural Irish were squeezed as commercial wheat, dairy and meat production expanded after the English colonized Ireland in the sixteenth century.
By the 1840s some 40 percent of the population subsisted almost entirely on potatoes, or potatoes with a bit of buttermilk if they possessed enough land to pasture a milch cow. Poor men in rural Ireland ate between three and five kilos of potatoes a day and little else. The varieties grown were as limited as this diet. While a single valley in the Andes might contain over a hundred different types of cultivated potato, most of the potatoes grown in 19th-century Ireland were a yellow-fleshed variety known as Irish Lumper. Monocultures are extremely vulnerable to disease, since a single pathogen can devastate the entire harvest. When Ireland’s potato crop failed in 1845, and again in 1846 and 1848, over a million people died.
The Famine was triggered by an outbreak of late blight ( phytophthera infestans ), a micro-organism probably originating in the Americas, but the magnitude of the calamity was greatly increased by the response of the British government, which viewed the crisis as a welcome opportunity to reshape Irish society. In the opinion of officials such as Charles Trevelyan, chief administrator at the Treasury in London, Ireland’s entire economic structure was an affront to modern capitalist practice.
Because it was possible (just) to live off them, potatoes allowed rural Irish families to evade the discipline of wage labor by remaining self-sufficient. The collapse of the potato economy would, he hoped, propel Irish smallholders off their tiny plots of land and into the ranks of the proletariat. This, Trevelyan believed, would an enormous improvement, well worth the “transient evil” of famine. It would also sweep away the inefficient and listless class of Irish landlords, whom the British held responsible for the catastrophic humanitarian crisis. The last thing the British government should do, from his perspective, was prop up this archaic system with aid to the stricken Irish. For liberals such as Trevelyan, the potato was an obstacle to modernity, a roadblock on the march towards economic rationality. It was the enemy of the state. “What hope is there for a nation which lives on potatoes?” he exclaimed in disgust.
Peeling potatoes in silence with his mother was, he declared in a 1987 sonnet, the closest bond they ever shared, a cold comfort to recall after her death. Trevelyan’s view that the potato was responsible for the immiseration of the Irish peasant was widely shared. It was this history, more than anything, that prompted the potato historian Redcliffe Salaman to declare the potato “the most perfect instrument for the maintenance of poverty and degradation.” Potatoes, fulminated the 19th-century social agitator William Cobbett, were a damnable crop because they kept the Irish alive to be exploited by landlords. They were the root “of slovenliness, filth, misery, and slavery.” They reduced men to the state of animals, or, actually, potatoes. In Cobbett’s opinion, Irish peasants had become virtually indistinguishable from the potatoes they lived off. The miserable, dirty hovels in which the Irish sheltered differed little from underground potato beds. The lumpen Irish peasant and the Lumper potato were virtually one and the same.
“Commonalities between humans and potatoes” indeed.
But in Ireland the potato is not a signifier only of death, and the cruel mercies of Trevelyan’s brave new world of waged labor. It is also a symbol of nourishment, of sustenance, of the bonds that link families together, of Axomama and her sustaining offspring. The great Irish poet Seamus Heaney captured both aspects of the potato. Born in 1939, Heaney grew up on a small farm in Northern Ireland. The rhythms of rural life shaped his poetry, as did Ireland’s folkways and its troubled history. Heaney alluded to all of these influences in the lecture delivered in 1995 when he accepted the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Heaney’s much-lauded poetry captures the potato’s complex resonance in Ireland. In his poems, potatoes signal his own past, connecting him to his parents and grandparents. Preparing potatoes with his mother, watching his father dig a potato bed, become re-enactments of his own lineage, his own rootedness in Irish history, as well as reminders of his sometimes-uncomfortable relationship with that past. Peeling potatoes in silence with his mother was, he declared in a 1987 sonnet, the closest bond they ever shared, a cold comfort to recall after her death. Potatoes in Heaney’s poetry transmit the steady rhythm of the everyday. A basket of new potatoes counterbalances the gashes carved in Irish society by political violence. In “After a Killing,” the sight of a young girl shopping for vegetables hints that, like it or not, life will continue despite the omnipresence of death. Equally powerfully, potatoes bespeak the painful history of the Famine.
“At a Potato Digging” (1966) evokes the Famine, and also the potato’s inescapable centrality to life itself. The poem is shaped by a constant elision between people and potatoes. It begins with a description of a modern harvest. Despite the century that has passed since Black ’45, the first year of the Famine, its shadow looms over the exhausted workers, who in stooping down to gather in the potatoes, bow in homage to the dark earth, the “black Mother” of potatoes and of life and death:
Centuries
Of fear and homage to the famine god
Toughen the muscles behind their humbled knees,
Make a seasonal altar of the sod.
No nourishing Axomama this hard deity.
The second stanza describes the living, pulsing potatoes themselves. The newly harvested potatoes are slippery, damp newborns nurtured by their black Earth Mother, who
erupts
knots of potatoes (a clean birth)
whose solid feel, whose wet inside
promises taste of ground and root.
While Heaney cursed the potato as a bitch mother, and Andean potato farmers honored the potato mother, Neruda hailed the potato as a father.
Like subterranean rabbits the fecund potatoes mature in a “hutch of clay” under the earth. Just as the Moche perhaps incised potato eyes into living human faces, Heaney makes the potatoes into human heads. They are “live skulls, blind eyed,” sightless but animate. After the harvest they lie stored in long clay pits that are all too resonate of human graves. Potatoes and people alike are born from the dark earth and return to it.
The tomb-like storage pits presage the Famine, when “stinking potatoes fouled the land.” The new potatoes, once “sound as stone,” have rotted in their clay burial place. Reversing the image of the potato as a living skull, the starving Irish become themselves “live skulls, blind eyed.” “Wild higgledy skeletons,” they are pecked to death by hunger as the potatoes lie dead in the “bitch earth” who has refused to nourish her people. The final stanza returns to the present, as the resting harvesters, “dead-beat” but at least alive, spill “libations of cold tea, scatter crusts” on the black and faithless earth, still propitiating their fickle mother with these offerings. The poem unites past and present, people and potatoes, all dependent on the fertile but unreliable body of the earth herself. Heaney’s black earth Mother, like Axomama, links the potato to the mysterious reproductive powers of women’s bodies, and indeed to all human bodies.
Heaney’s poetry speaks to the commonalities between people and potatoes noted by Kevin Abosch. It seems fitting that Irish poet and Irish potato have both been the objects of Abosch’s photography. Abosch’s portrait of Heaney was made in the same year as his photograph of Potato 345. Each appears silhouetted against a starless black sky, complete and undeniable in their individuality.
Father Potato
The resonance between families, history and the mundane world of the potato is evoked with equal power in the work of another poet whom Heaney admired: the Chilean Pablo Neruda. Heaney shared with Neruda a commitment to poetry that explored the everyday, functional objects that populate our lives. Like Heaney, Neruda valued “the used surfaces of things, the wear that hands give to things.” His poems consistently honored both worn surfaces and the nameless workers whose lives he sought to resurrect.
Neruda’s childhood was precarious; his father barely eked out a living as a railwayman and his son’s ambitions to write poetry enraged him. A poet Neruda nonetheless became, winning fame and admiration first for his unabashed celebration of sexual desire in Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair , and later for his ability to condense into poetry an entire universe of natural beauty, human struggle, the dignity of labour, and the transcendence of love. Like Heaney, he was awarded a Nobel Prize for Literature.
In the 1950s Neruda began work on a series of poems that he called “elementary odes.” Neruda had recently joined the Chilean Communist Party, formalizing a long-standing inclination. In keeping with his newly affirmed political convictions, he began experimenting with less grandiose forms of poetry, which would reflect the material reality of life, rather than exploring metaphysics and the aesthetic avant garde. The elementary odes were the result. Many of them focus specifically on the vigor and authenticity of working-class culture. As one critic put it, they elevate “the commonplace and the everyday to the dignity of poetic treatment.”
They were written in the midst of personal turmoil; Neruda’s wife had recently learned of his affair with Matilde Urrutia, a Chilean singer who had been hired to care for him when he fell ill during a stay in Mexico. The odes are nonetheless mostly joyful in tone, celebrating the mundane pleasures of everyday life. Food is a recurrent theme; Neruda wrote odes to onions, tomatoes, olive oil (“the celestial key to mayonnaise”), and bread, as well as potatoes. All are praised as simple, honest foods eaten by ordinary people.
While Heaney cursed the potato as a bitch mother, and Andean potato farmers honored the potato mother, Neruda hailed the potato as a father. “Ode to the Potato” opens with a declaration of the poet’s lineage: he is the native son of the Chilean potato. Playing off the similarity of the South American terms for potato (papa) and father (papá), Neruda insists on calling the potato papa rather than patata, as it is known in Spain. “Potato, I call you ‘potato-father’ and not patata,” he proclaimed.
The ode sets out explicitly the shared heritage that links Neruda to the honest, New World potato. Addressing the potato, the poet explains that “you were not born a pure Spaniard, you are dark like our skin. We are Americans, potato-father, we are Indians.” Neruda and the potato are members of the same South American family. Later stanzas explain how their common mother carefully planted her potatoes in a soft, moist nest in the earth, where they sheltered, little treasures, the true wealth of the Indies. When hordes of acquisitive conquistadors ravaged the land, they found not golden goblets, but potatoes, a different sort of bounty.
Praising the potato as the “enemy of hunger,” honored by all nations, Neruda’s ode celebrates its quiet modesty. Our potato-father is content to rest honorably in the earth, anticipating no great fanfare. “You are not expecting my song, because you are deaf and blind, and buried,” Neruda admitted, before musing whether the hot oil of a frying pan might provoke the potato to break its silence. Potatoes for Neruda, as for Heaney, are our close relatives, and their suffering is our suffering.
Ill with prostate cancer, Neruda died in 1973, twelve days after the military coup that brought Augusto Pinochet to power. It is probable that he was murdered on the orders of the new regime, which despised his political views and his poetry. Shortly afterwards Neruda’s friend, the poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko, composed an “Epistle to Neruda” to honor his passing. It concludes:
But today I see Neruda—
he’s always right in the centre
and, not faltering,
he carries his poetry to the people
as simply and calmly
as a loaf of bread.
Or a potato, Yevtushenko might have written.
Rebecca Earle is Professor in History at the University of Warwick, UK. She is the author of three books, including The Body of the Conquistador: Food, Race and the Colonial Experience in Spanish America, 1492-1700 (Cambridge University Press, 2012), which was winner of the Conference on Latin America History 2013 Bolton-Johnson Prize, and The Return of the Native: Indians and Mythmaking in Spanish America, 1810-1930 (Duke University Press, 2008), which was Winner of the Conference on Latin American History’s 2008 Bolton-Johnson Prize Honorable Mention. She has written about the history of food for The Conversation, BBC History Magazine, The Independent, and The Sunday Telegraph, among other publications.

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Spice up your life with new Goa Spice restaurant in Mexborough

Spice up your life with new Goa Spice restaurant in Mexborough Goa Spice team at new Indian redstaurant in Mexborough town centre Published: 15:22 It’s time to spice up your life with the arrival of new Indian restaurant, Goa Spice, in Mexborough town centre.
Entrepreneur brothers Mamun and Masum Ali, who own the Goa Spice franchise, have set up shop in Mexborough with their new creative dining experience.
Mamun said, “Goan cuisine consists of regional foods popular in Goa, a state located along India’s west coast on the shore of the Arabian Sea. Rice, seafood, coconut, vegetables, lamb, chicken and local spices are just some of the main ingredients in Goan cuisine, which will definitely spice things up in Mexborough.”
The venue, which is also licenced, serving Cobra lager on draught plus a range of additional bottled refreshments and a section of wines from around the world, opened its doors on Wednesday March 26 with a private tasting party and ceremony attended by Doncaster Council’s Coun Sean Lord Gibbons with the restaurant officially opening to the public the following day.
Lord Gibbons said: “We had a cracking night at the new Goa Spice Indian restaurant, I am so pleased they chose Mexborough for their new business venture, this is also a great new addition to the Empress Building and Goan food is very tasty, give it a try you won’t be disappointed.”
Masum said: “We have invested £50,000 in new specialist kitchen equipment, mood lighting and authentic décor, everything down to the table cloths are really high end as we want to compliment the building as much as possible.
“The menu is extensive, and we believe we have created affordable luxury for the local community to enjoy. Masum goes on to say, “Our chefs have a real passion for creating quality Goan spicy food using fresh ingredients that will spice up your life.”
He added: “This follows an investment of more than £150k from event industry boss Jason Mace, managing director of marquee manufacturing company Gala Tent and owner of the Empress Building.”
Mace said: “We’ve had some great feedback already and with the subtle changes made by Mamun and Masum to the Empress Rooms, it has maintained the look and feel of a sophisticated city centre bar, with an Indian accent which really complements the vintage décor.”
The Empress Building is enjoying a new lease of life, Mace added: “It’s really great to see the building being gradually brought back to its former glory and now attracting franchise businesses from other cities.
Mace has spent the past 18 months turning the former ballroom and dance hall into a hub for business, health and community activity.
Dating back to the 1920s, the property was created to mirror the dance halls of popular resort towns like Blackpool, Lancashire – but in recent years it had fallen into disrepair.
The Empress Building is also occupied by the youth charity, AFT Kick Boxing, Dearne Valley Personal Development Centre, Grafters Ironworks Gym and Micky’s Athletic Boxing Club. Man seriously injured in fall between rocks in Doncaster
Over the past eighteen months, Jason has invested in refurbishing the former Empress Building ballroom and dance hall into a hub of business, health and community activity.
The building, which dates to the 1920s, was built to mirror the great dance halls in places such as Blackpool and for decades it was the hub of social activity in the area, but in recent years had fallen into disrepair before Jason’s intervention. Trending Man’s body discovered in Doncaster home sealed off by police Doncaster home ‘sealed off by police’ Man stabbed in one of three disturbances in Doncaster village on same night Major Doncaster bridge reportedly closed due to incident Doncaster is top sex hotspot as Yorkshire named UK dogging capital The Essentials

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How to save big on your next international vacation!

/ How to save big on your next international vacation! How to save big on your next international vacation! Tripoto https://www.tripoto.com/ By Road to Taste International vacation is always fun. With the difference in culture, food, architecture and people, you get to learn a lot. But international vacation comes at a price which is much higher than domestic trips. There’s an increase in airfare, hotel costs, visa costs and even the airport transfers can get pretty expensive. We have been rigorously traveling for more than 3 years and there are a few things we learned to help us optimize our international travel plans both tactically and financially. Here are a few tips and tricks on how you too can save big on your next international vacation. 1) Choosing your destination: It all starts with choosing a destination but make sure you are realistic about your finances. You should be able to decide your destination based on your budget. Check for currency differences as well as general living expenses, besides your own as a tourist. For first timers, unless you have a huge budget, it is advised to travel to countries which have almost equal, weaker or at the most slightly stronger currency than our Indian rupee. Bhutan is one such country as the currency there is equivalent to ours and can easily be managed financially. 2) Booking the air tickets: Getting the best deals on flight tickets is an art. With so many websites and apps giving us discounts, it is absolutely essential that you keep checking on the airfare and book well in advance if possible. The last time we went to Singapore and Malaysia we got the tickets booked at dirt cheap prices only because we were vigilant. Although we were traveling to these countries during the summers, we got the tickets booked well in advance to make sure we could save some bucks for shopping there. 3) Choosing the Accommodation and Eating Out: It is advisable to keep your options open when choosing an accommodation. While you can opt for a luxurious stay at some places, you may also want to opt for a house on rent at others. We kept our options open and while we stayed at a luxury property at Singapore, we chose a studio apartment in Malaysia, thereby saving a lot of hotel expenses. The same goes for eating too. Once we looked for an Indian Restaurant in the Little India area of Singapore where we had a sumptuous buffet of Indian and Mughlai cuisines. The food was yummy and it also did not cost much for the varieties offered in the buffet. So the key is to mix both buffet and a-la-carte depending on the situation and never to miss out on the complimentary breakfast buffet. Also, do not forget to try out all those scrumptious street food stalls! 4) Mode of Transport: Many cities in the world, especially in South East Asian countries, are superbly connected with public transport. The MRT system in Singapore and the monorail in Malaysia are two big examples. Using these fast, easy and cost-effective means to commute can help you save a lot of money on the overall trip. The airport transfers also become hassle-free with these local transport facilities. 5) Getting your trip insured: The money that you save on the above-mentioned factors can be utilized in securing your entire vacation. You should always go for an Asia Travel Insurance when visiting the South East Asian countries as it covers your expenses for most of any unforeseen circumstances. Whether it’s a luggage misplacement or a flight missed, all your travel worries can be covered via these insurance solutions and can make you enjoy your trip tension free. The Asia policy from Reliance wins over with their destination-specific benefits and covers a spectrum of scenarios, such as: – Emergency medical expenses including those you may incur during a medical evacuation – Loss of your checked-in baggage and costs for the purchase of essentials like toiletries, clothing and medication in case luggage is missing for more than 12 hours – Emergency financial assistance in case of theft and many other contingencies So, these were our personal tips on how to save big on your next international travel and enjoy it to the fullest. Do share your tips and tricks for saving money while planning your international vacations in the comments section below.

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9 writers who perfectly capture what it’s like for Jews of color

By JTA , Nylah Burton | March 29, 2019
I recently decided to start writing full-time, a decision that’s been both enormously liberating and incredibly isolating. But there are some real perks to not having to be in an office all day, and one of them is getting to sit on the couch and read a good book smack dab in the middle of the afternoon.
As a black Jewish writer, I obviously want to read books written by and highlighting the stories of Jews of color. That’s easier said than done, though. It’s not that these stories don’t exist — Jewish literature is an amazing, rich genre of diasporic Jewish stories. However, the narratives of Jews of color are often left out of the Jewish literary canon, and we suffer for it.
With that in mind, I decided to make a list of books you should be reading — all written by Jews of color or featuring Jews of color. Some of the stories here aren’t explicitly Jewish, but there may be a good reason for that. When asked if he would ever write a Jewish character, mystery novelist Walter Mosley replied , “Not if he wasn’t black … Hardly anybody in America has written about black male heroes. There are black male protagonists and black male supporting characters, but nobody else writes about black male heroes.”
Jewish writers of color may shy away from writing explicitly Jewish stories for a number of reasons, like fearing that the demand for these narratives simply isn’t there. Or maybe, like Mosley, they feel more compelled to highlight the stories of groups who have been historically erased from popular narratives. Whatever the reason, though, and whatever the content of their work, these writers remain unequivocally and deeply Jewish. 1. Jamaica Kincaid’s “ Lucy”
I studied Caribbean literature in college, so the Antiguan-American novelist Jamaica Kincaid is one of my heroes. A lot of people don’t know that Kincaid is Jewish, and that could be because her work isn’t explicitly so. Kincaid converted to Judaism in 1993, after over a decade of being married to the Jewish composer Allen Shawn. Telling Tablet magazine of her decision to convert, Kincaid said a rabbi told her that she and her children wouldn’t be buried in the same cemetery if she didn’t. Kincaid remembers thinking, “‘What if there’s a Jewish heaven and I’m in the other heaven and I’d have to send them letters?’ I couldn’t bear to be separated from them.” After her divorce, when people asked Kincaid if she would return to Christianity, she thought it was ludicrous, saying, “People ask me if I’m still a Jew and it’s like, do you think Judaism is a fashionable skirt?”
Kincaid’s work may not be explicitly Jewish, but it’s firmly rooted in an experience that many Caribbean Jews of Color can identify with. Themes of colonial legacies, complicated familial relationships, racism, and class ripple through her writing. There are so many books of Kincaid’s to read and they’re all worth it, but I would suggest starting with “Lucy,” the story of a West Indian girl who leaves her home to work for a white family. The story is loosely autobiographical, mirroring Kincaid’s own experiences. 2. Roya Hakakian’s “Journey from the Land of No: A Girlhood Caught in Revolutionary Iran”
Hakakian is such an inspiring force for change. She’s a Persian-Jewish writer with bylines in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal and is a founding member of the Iran Human Rights Documentation Center. She’s the author of two collections of poetry, in Persian, and in 2008 she won the Guggenheim prize for non-fiction.
Honestly… I could go on and on about Hakakian’s accomplishments, but her work simply speaks for itself. I recommend immediately buying her memoir “Journey from the Land of No: A Girlhood Caught in Revolutionary Iran.” Persian Jews have one of the longest, richest Jewish histories in the entire diaspora. However, we rarely listen to or are presented with opportunities to view Persian-Jewish perspectives. The narratives and stories of all Persian Jews are deeply important, which is what makes Hakakian’s work so vital. 3. Denice Frohman, assorted poems
Now, a lot of people aren’t “into” poetry, but you should definitely check out this poet before you write it off completely. Frohman is a queer Latina with Puerto Rican and Jewish heritage. And she’s a badass poet who’s been published widely and has appeared on lots of international stages. Her bio says that her work “focuses on identity, lineage, subverting traditional notions of power, and celebrating the parts of ourselves deemed unworthy.” She’s been featured in poetry anthologies like “Nepantla: An Anthology for Queer Poets of Color,” “Women of Resistance: Poems for a New Feminism” and the forthcoming “What Saves Us: Poems of Empathy and Outrage in the Age of Trump.”
Frohman’s work is powerful, and it makes a clear message on the societal problems we face today. For example, she takes on racial hatred and gun violence in her heart-stopping poem , “The Hour Dylann Roof Sat In The Church.” 4. MaNishtana’s “Ariel Samson: Freelance Rabbi”
Under his pen name, MaNishtana, Orthodox rabbi Shais Rishon seeks to diversify the American Jewish literary canon, telling JTA that Jewish writers of color are “invisible, pretty much.”
Ariel Samson, the main character in his latest semi-autobiographical novel, is challenging that invisibility merely by being present and illustrating some of the many challenges that Jews of Color face in their communities. A black Orthodox Jew, Ariel deals with racism at a Shabbat table (that also comes from another Jew of color) and he has to navigate the awful experience of seeing an Orthodox New York assemblyman wearing blackface on Purim — a situation that may refer to the real experience Rishon had with Dov Hikind, who was criticized for donning the racist costume in 2013. 5. Michael Twitty’s “The Cooking Gene: A Journey Through African American Culinary History in the Old South”
Full disclosure: I feel like I’ve known Michael for a long time. Even though we missed each other, we went to the same college (Howard University) and had the same adviser. Our adviser, who is Jewish, always told me how proud she was of Twitty and all the amazing things he was accomplishing.
And he’s pretty awesome — making black and Jewish history every day. As a food historian, Twitty’s work focuses on retracing African heritage through Southern cuisine. His amazing book will make you laugh and cry and be amazed at the richness of African-American food traditions. Buy it. Buy it now. 6. T Kira Madden’s “ Long Live the Tribe of Fatherless Girls”
Queer , Jewish, Chinese, and Hawaiian… writer T Kira Madden’s new memoir explores her unique background, growing up in Boca Raton, and having parents who struggled with addiction. Her ethnic heritage was a source of confusion and searching in her early years, but Madden says that she’s “so grateful” that her parents gave her the freedom to identify as she wished. Madden told Alma that she hopes people read her book and “… feel the power of being an outsider. I hope people can recognize some version of themselves, or some element of themselves, in the book.” 7. Brandy Colbert’s “Little and Lion”
The main character here, Suzettte, is black, queer and Jewish. “Little and Lion,” a novel, portrays a tense sibling relationship that is complicated by mental illness, but Suzette’s story is also about feeling out of place. Lots of black Jews will relate to Suzette, who thinks that “people have too many questions when you’re black and Jewish.” There’s also little scenes showing the beautiful intimacy of Jewish home life, like braiding challah before Shabbat. While Colbert herself is not Jewish, she has written one of the best depictions of Jewish adolescence in the Young Adult genre. And for that, we salute her. 8. Rosebud Ben-Oni, assorted poems
Born to a Mexican mother and a Jewish father, Ben-Oni graduated from New York University and did postgraduate research at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. I love this poem of hers, “I Guess We’ll Have to Be Secretly In Love with Each Other and Leave It At That,” which has a few Jewish references. Her poem “Poet Wrestling with Angels in the Dark” was recently commissioned by the National September 11 Memorial & Museum in New York City. You can find more of Ben-Oni’s work at The Kenyon Review blog , where she writes weekly. 9. Karl Taro Greenfeld’s “Speed Tribes and Triburbia”
Greenfeld is Japanese and Jewish and is the former managing editor of TIMES Asia and the former editor of Sports Illustrated. He wrote “Speed Tribes” after moving from Japan back to the U.S., and the novel is about parts of Japanese society that often go unexamined in the West. “Triburbia” is a novel about families in Manhattan dealing with their complicated, messy lives. Greenfeld told Kveller that he “could not have written this book before I had children” because the novel includes insightful observations about how children socialize with each other — specifically, how cruel bullying and exclusion can be at that age. Greenfeld has written many other amazing books, including the dystopian novel “The Subprimes.” This piece originally appeared on Alma and was distributed by JTA.

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Singapore submits UNESCO bid to recognise hawker culture

Hawker Culture In Singapore Submitted For Inscription On UNESCO’s Representative List Of The Intangible Cultural Heritage Of Humanity
By Melody Zaccheus, Heritage and Community Correspondent, The Straits Times , 29 Mar 2019
The Republic’s nomination to inscribe hawker culture in Singapore on the UNESCO Representative List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity was submitted on Wednesday.
The nomination includes letters, photographs and videos demonstrating community support for the bid, the organisations behind the attempt said in a joint statement yesterday.
The photographs feature an Indian Muslim hawker preparing briyani, a Chinese hawker demonstrating a chicken rice recipe, and a father and his children enjoying the chendol dessert, among other snapshots.
A 10-minute video was also produced to give a 12-member UNESCO evaluation body – including six experts qualified in various fields of intangible cultural heritage – a better understanding of hawker culture in Singapore.
The nomination documents, to be available for public viewing from July, were submitted jointly by the three organisations driving the bid. They are the National Heritage Board , the National Environment Agency and The Federation of Merchants’ Associations, Singapore (FMAS) .
Using the evaluation body’s assessment and recommendation as a guide, a 24-member intergovernmental committee will then decide on the suitability of inscribing Singapore’s hawker culture.
The results will be announced at the end of next year.
Mr Low Hock Kee, 50, a second-generation hawker and co-chairman of the hawker sub-committee of FMAS, believes that if the inscription is successful, the profile of the country’s rich cultural heritage will be boosted. “The nomination also helps elevate the status of hawkers and affirms our role in Singapore.”
If successful, hawker culture will join 429 cultures of other countries which have been inscribed since the list was established in 2008 . These include Belgium’s beer culture, Indonesia’s bamboo musical instrument angklung, China’s shadow puppetry, and kimjang, or the making and sharing of kimchi in South Korea.
Unlike the evaluation of world heritage sites, assessments of intangible cultural heritage do not require evaluators to make site visits.
Countries whose bids are not successful can reapply in subsequent UNESCO evaluation cycles.
Singapore’s first such submission in the category of intangible cultural heritage comes after the Botanic Gardens was made a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 2015.
Singapore’s hawker culture bid has drawn some criticism from across the border. Some Malaysians have claimed their country is a street-food paradise, and that Singapore’s hawker version is not that special.
However, the list is not intended to define the origins and ownership of cultural practices. For instance, both Arabic coffee and Turkish coffee were inscribed in the UNESCO list.
Instead, Singapore’s attempt will be assessed based on the criteria of meeting UNESCO ‘s definition of intangible cultural heritage; how the potential inscription will increase awareness of Singapore’s intangible cultural heritage; how the existing and future safeguarding measures promote the continued practice of the culture; whether the nomination involved the community; and whether it is part of the country’s intangible cultural heritage inventory.
The country’s inventory , comprising 70 elements so far, includes pilgrimages to Kusu Island and Malay weddings, and was established last April.
In a joint statement , the organisations driving the bid said the attempt has received overwhelming support from Singaporeans since it was announced last August.
They noted that apart from hawker associations, more than 850,000 pledges of support and over 31,000 messages were registered across various platforms.
Their social media movement, they added, generated 810,000 likes and comments in support of hawker culture.
The statement said: “A successful nomination will demonstrate to the world how proud we are of hawker culture in Singapore, encourage greater appreciation for our hawkers, and show our commitment as a nation to safeguard hawker culture for generations to come.”
They added that the submission of the nomination documents is a milestone in Singapore’s UNESCO inscription journey to better recognise and protect the island’s intangible cultural heritage.
The nomination documents took into account input from a nomination committee, comprising representatives and stakeholders from various sectors, including hawker representatives, academics, community partners, non-governmental organisations and government agencies.
Key characteristics of Singapore’s hawker culture include hawker centres serving as community dining spaces for all, and how it is a reflection of Singapore’s multicultural society. Other features are Singapore hawkers’ mastery of culinary skills and how hawker culture thrives in a highly urban environment.
There are more than 100 hawker centres in Singapore and some 6,000 hawkers who each serve about 150 to 200 affordable meals daily. More than 80 per cent of the population visit hawker centres at least once a week.
Messages written by Singaporeans in support of the bid note that hawker centres serve as spaces where “a variety of multicultural cuisines” can be found under one roof, and where “people of all races gather to eat together”.
Related
Hawker Culture In Singapore Submitted For Inscription On UNESCO’s Representative List Of The Intangible Cultural Heritage Of Humanity – 28 Mar 2019

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New on Netflix Canada April 2019

New on Netflix Canada April 2019 Entertainment / Movies / TV
Complete strangers band together to find the strength they need to survive and get back to loved ones in Black Summer .
The New on Netflix Canada April list is now out and sees the return of Sabrina, a new zombie series, and Brie Larson and Samuel L. Jackson reuniting in Unicorn Store . Before we get started, check out the Netflix Canada April 2019 sizzle reel:
Without further ado, check out what’s coming to (and leaving) Netflix in April. If you’re south of the border, check out the New on Netflix April list ! New in April
Chambers ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): A young heart attack survivor becomes consumed by the mystery surrounding the heart that saved her life. However, the closer she gets to uncovering the truth about her donor’s sudden death, the more she starts taking on the characteristics of the deceased — some of which are troublingly sinister. April 1 Monty Python Best Bits (mostly): Season 1 Monty Python: The Meaning of Life Resident Evil: Extinction Snatched Split ULTRAMAN ( NETFLIX ANIME ): With aliens once again threatening Earth, young Shinjiro must now don the metallic ultra-suit to become Ultraman — like his father before him. April 2 Kevin Hart: Irresponsible ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Kevin Hart brings his sold-out comedy tour, Kevin Hart: Irresponsible, to a global audience for his first original Netflix standup special. The one-hour special was filmed in front of a sold-out live audience of over 15,000 people at the O2 Arena in London, England. Hart touches upon his friends, family, travel, … and a year filled with Irresponsible behavior. April 3 Billy Elliot Hulk Suzzanna: Buried Alive ( NETFLIX FILM ): After a pregnant woman is murdered, her spirit seeks revenge against her increasingly terrified killers, who are determined to finish her off for good April 4 Pope Francis: A Man of His Word Star : Season 3 April 5 Chilling Adventures of Sabrina : Part 2 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Part 2 finds Sabrina exploring her darker side, curious to learn more about her heritage, while struggling to maintain her friendships in the mortal world. Romantically, Sabrina is caught in an unholy love triangle with between sexy warlock Nicholas Scratch and salt-of-the-Earth mortal Harvey Kinkle. Meanwhile, The Dark Lord, Madame Satan, and Father Blackwood continue to conjure chaos in the Spellman household and the town of Greendale. And they aren’t the only ones trying to raise hell. Everything is in question…relationships, identity, true intentions…when the devil’s work is at hand. Our Planet ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Exhilarating visuals and stunning footage of rarely-seen animals mix with somber truths about humanity’s impact on the planet’s habitats and species. Persona: Collection ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): An eclectic exploration of different personas in a collection of four short films directed by critically acclaimed Korean directors. Roman Empire: Caligula: The Mad Emperor ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Once beloved by the troops and people alike, Caligula shocks Rome by ruling with the cruel depravity and debauchery that make him infamous. Spirit Riding Free : Season 8 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Big changes lie ahead for Lucky and her friends in an eventful final season — from new babies at home to a faraway boarding school. Tijuana ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): When a prominent politician is murdered in cold blood, intrepid local journalists risk their lives to uncover the truth. Unicorn Store ( NETFLIX FILM ): Kit (Brie Larson), a twenty-something dreamer, receives an invitation that would fulfill her childhood dreams. April 8 The Oath April 9 Trolls: The Beat Goes On! : Season 6 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): The trolls face a day without a holiday, Biggie accidentally starts a fun-tastic new dance craze, and Guy turns a camping trip into a “glamping” trip. April 10 You vs. Wild ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): In this interactive adventure series, you’ll make key decisions to help Bear Grylls survive, thrive and complete missions in the harshest environments on Earth. April 11 Black Summer ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): In the dark, early days of a zombie apocalypse, complete strangers band together to find the strength they need to survive and get back to loved ones. April 12 A Land Imagined ( NETFLIX FILM ): A cop in Singapore investigates the disappearance of a Chinese migrant construction worker who spent sleepless nights playing a mysterious video game. Colette Huge in France ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): After moving to LA to reconnect with his son, comedian Gad Elmaleh must learn to live without the celebrity perks he’s accustomed to in France. Mighty Little Bheem ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): An innocent toddler’s boundless curiosity — and extraordinary might — lead to mischief and adventure in his small Indian town. The Perfect Date ( NETFLIX FILM ): To save up for college, Brooks Rattigan creates an app where anyone can pay him to play the perfect stand-in boyfriend for any occasion. The Silence ( NETFLIX FILM ): When the world is under attack from terrifying creatures who hunt their human prey by sound, 16-year old Ally Andrews (Kiernan Shipka), who lost her hearing at 13, and her family seek refuge in a remote haven. But they discover a sinister cult who are eager to exploit Ally’s heightened senses. The Silence is directed by John R. Leonetti (Annabelle) and stars Stanley Tucci, Kiernan Shipka, Miranda Otto, John Corbett, Kate Trotter and Kyle Breitkopf. Special ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): A young gay man with cerebral palsy branches out from his insular existence in hopes of finally going after the life he wants. Who Would You Take to a Deserted Island? ( NETFLIX FILM ): On their last night together, four longtime flatmates’ lives are suddenly upended when a secret is revealed during the course of an evening celebration. April 15 Happy Feet 2 Luis Miguel – The Series : Season 1 No Good Nick ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL) : A family finds their lives turned upside down when a young, street-smart grifter appears on their doorstep, claiming she’s a distant relative. April 16 Super Monsters Furever Friends ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): On the first night of spring, the Super Monsters and their families gather for food, fun and games in the park — and meet their adorable monster pets! April 18 My First First Love ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Due to various personal reasons, a group of Yun Tae-o’s friends move into his house, where they experience love, friendship, and everything in between. April 19 A Fortunate Man ( NETFLIX FILM ): A gifted engineer flees his austere roots to pursue wealth and success among Copenhagen’s elite, but the pride propelling him threatens to be his ruin. Brené Brown: The Call to Courage ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Best-selling author Brené Brown discusses what it takes to choose courage over comfort in a culture defined by scarcity, fear and uncertainty. Cuckoo : Season 5 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Ken thinks he’s hit the big time when he discovers a wealthy half sister he never knew he had, but her fortunes and his hopes are soon reversed. I, Daniel Blake Music Teacher ( NETFLIX FILM ): Burned by his past, an emotionally troubled, small-town music teacher risks everything he has to reconnect with a now-famous former student. Rilakkuma and Kaoru ( NETFLIX ANIME ): Karoru leads a mundane life, but she gets to go home and find comfort in Rilakkuma, her endearingly lazy roommate who happens to be a fuzzy toy bear. Samantha! : Season 2 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): The series follows the story of a former child star from the 80s, Samantha! (Emanuelle Araújo) who desperately clings to the fringes of celebrity. Together with her husband Wound (Douglas Silva) and their children Cindy (Sabrina Nonato), and Brandon (Cauã Gonçalves), she delights with hare-brained schemes to launch herself back into the spotlight. Someone Great ( NETFLIX FILM ): Aspiring music journalist Jenny (Gina Rodriguez) has just landed her dream job at an iconic magazine and is about to move to San Francisco. Rather than do long distance, her boyfriend of nine years (Lakeith Stanfield) decides to call it quits. To nurse her broken heart, Jenny gathers up her two best friends Erin (DeWanda Wise) and Blair (Brittany Snow) for one outrageous last adventure in New York City. From writer/director Jennifer Kaytin Robinson (creator of MTV’s Sweet/Vicious) Someone Great is a hilarious and heartfelt story of friendship, love, and what it means to let go of your twenties and enter adulthood. April 20 Grass is Greener ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): It lit up jazz and hip-hop — and ignited a war on drugs steeped in racial injustice. Experts explore America’s complicated relationship with weed. Weed the People April 22 Pinky Malinky : Part 2 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Pinky Malinky is on a roll! Catch up on this joyful hot dog boy’s continuing adventures as he spreads fun and positivity with best friends Babs and JJ. Selection Day – New Episodes ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Manjunath Kumar, fourteen, knows he is good at cricket – if not as good as his elder brother Radha. He knows that he fears and resents his domineering and cricket-obsessed father, admires his brilliantly talented sibling and is fascinated by the world of CSI and by curious and interesting scientific facts. But there are many things about himself and about the world that he doesn’t know. When Manju begins to get to know Radha’s great rival, a boy as privileged and confident as Manju is not, everything in Manju’s world begins to change and he is faced with decisions that will change both his sense of self and of the world around him. April 23 I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): In this new sketch show, Tim Robinson and guests spend each segment driving someone to the point of needing — or desperately wanting — to leave. April 24 Bonding ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): A New York City grad student moonlighting as a dominatrix enlists her gay BFF from high school to be her assistant. April 26 The Protector : Season 2 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Facing formidable odds against the resurgent Immortals, Hakan and the Loyal Ones must forestall sinister plans to destroy the city — and all humans. ReMastered: Devil at the Crossroads ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Robert Johnson was one of the most influential blues guitarists ever. Even before his early death, fans wondered if he’d made a pact with the Devil. The Sapphires She-Ra and the Princesses of Power : Season 2 ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): Adora and the Princess Alliance train to get stronger, but Catra and the Horde are on the move. As Hordak pushes for victory, She-Ra faces a new test. Street Food ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): From the creators of Chef’s Table, Street Food takes viewers to some of the world’s most vibrant cities to explore the rich culture of street food all over the globe. Season one explores nine countries across Asia, from the hawker stalls of Singapore to the food carts of India. Each episode highlights the stories of perseverance and culture that bring life to each country’s cuisine. Yankee ( NETFLIX ORIGINAL ): A young man from Texas crosses the border into Mexico and becomes an infamous drug lord. April 28

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MrSir CAH White Cards

Coat hanger abortions.
Man meat.
Autocannibalism.
Vigorous jazz hands.
Flightless birds.
Pictures of boobs.
Doing the right thing.
The violation of our most basic human rights.
Viagra®.
Self-loathing.
Spectacular abs.
A balanced breakfast.
Roofies.
Concealing a boner.
Amputees.
The Big Bang.
Former President George W. Bush.
The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Smegma.
Being marginalized.
Cuddling.
Laying an egg.
The Pope.
Aaron Burr.
Genital piercings.
Fingering.
A bleached asshole.
Horse meat.
Fear itself.
Science.
Elderly Japanese men.
Stranger danger.
The terrorists.
Praying the gay away.
Same-sex ice dancing.
Ethnic cleansing.
Cheating in the Special Olympics.
German dungeon porn.
Bingeing and purging.
Making a pouty face.
William Shatner.
Heteronormativity.
Nickelback.
Tom Cruise.
The profoundly handicapped.
The placenta.
Chainsaws for hands.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
An icepick lobotomy.
Goblins.
Object permanence.
Dying.
Foreskin.
A falcon with a cap on its head.
Hormone injections.
Dying of dysentery.
Sexy pillow fights.
The invisible hand.
A really cool hat.
Sean Penn.
Heartwarming orphans.
The clitoris.
The Three-Fifths compromise.
A sad handjob.
Men.
Historically black colleges.
A micropenis.
Raptor attacks.
Agriculture.
Vikings.
Pretending to care.
The Underground Railroad.
My humps.
Being a dick to children.
Geese.
Bling.
Sniffing glue.
The South.
An Oedipus complex.
Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
Sexting.
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
Mutually-assured destruction.
Sunshine and rainbows.
Count Chocula.
Sharing needles.
Being rich.
Skeletor.
A sausage festival.
Michael Jackson.
Emotions.
Farting and walking away.
The Chinese gymnastics team.
Necrophilia.
Spontaneous human combustion.
Yeast.
Leaving an awkward voicemail.
Dick Cheney.
White people.
Penis envy.
Teaching a robot to love.
Sperm whales.
Scrubbing under the folds.
Panda sex.
Whipping it out.
Catapults.
Masturbation.
Natural selection.
Opposable thumbs.
A sassy black woman.
AIDS.
The KKK.
Figgy pudding.
Seppuku.
Gandhi.
Preteens.
Toni Morrison’s vagina.
Five-Dollar Footlongs™.
Land mines.
A sea of troubles.
A zesty breakfast burrito.
Christopher Walken.
Friction.
Balls.
Dental dams.
A can of whoop-ass.
A tiny horse.
Waiting ’til marriage.
Authentic Mexican cuisine.
Genghis Khan.
Old-people smell.
Feeding Rosie O’Donnell.
Pixelated bukkake.
Friends with benefits.
The token minority.
The Tempur-Pedic® Swedish Sleep System™.
A thermonuclear detonation.
Take-backsies.
The Rapture.
A cooler full of organs.
Sweet, sweet vengeance.
RoboCop.
Keanu Reeves.
Drinking alone.
Giving 110%.
Flesh-eating bacteria.
The American Dream.
Taking off your shirt.
Me time.
A murder most foul.
The inevitable heat death of the universe.
The folly of man.
That thing that electrocutes your abs.
Cards Against Humanity.
Fiery poops.
Poor people.
Edible underpants.
Britney Spears at 55.
All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
Pooping back and forth. Forever.
Fancy Feast®.
Jewish fraternities.
Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
Pulling out.
Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
The homosexual agenda.
The Holy Bible.
Passive-agression.
Ronald Reagan.
Vehicular manslaughter.
Nipple blades.
Assless chaps.
Full frontal nudity.
Hulk Hogan.
Daddy issues.
The hardworking Mexican.
Natalie Portman.
Waking up half-naked in a Denny’s parking lot.
God.
Sean Connery.
Saxophone solos.
Gloryholes.
The World of Warcraft.
Homeless people.
Scalping.
Darth Vader.
Eating the last known bison.
Guys who don’t call.
Hot Pockets®.
A time travel paradox.
The milk man.
Testicular torsion.
Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
World peace.
A salty surprise.
Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
Smallpox blankets.
Licking things to claim them as your own.
The heart of a child.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Lockjaw.
Eugenics.
A good sniff.
Friendly fire.
The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge.
Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.
Hurricane Katrina.
Free samples.
Jerking off into a pool of children’s tears.
A foul mouth.
The glass ceiling.
Republicans.
Explosions.
Michelle Obama’s arms.
Getting really high.
Attitude.
Sarah Palin.
The Übermensch.
Altar boys.
My soul.
My sex life.
Pedophiles.
72 virgins.
Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Domino’s™ Oreo™ Dessert Pizza.
A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
The Blood of Christ.
Half-assed foreplay.
My collection of high-tech sex toys.
A middle-aged man on roller skates.
Bitches.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Italians.
A windmill full of corpses.
Adderall™.
Crippling debt.
A stray pube.
Prancing.
Passing a kidney stone.
A brain tumor.
Leprosy.
Puppies!
Bees?
Frolicking.
Repression.
Road head.
A bag of magic beans.
An asymmetric boob job.
Dead parents.
Public ridicule.
A mating display.
A mime having a stroke.
Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
African children.
Mouth herpes.
Overcompensation.
Riding off into the sunset.
Being on fire.
Tangled Slinkys.
Civilian casualties.
Auschwitz.
My genitals.
Not reciprocating oral sex.
Lactation.
Being fabulous.
Shaquille O’Neal’s acting career.
My relationship status.
Asians who aren’t good at math.
Alcoholism.
Incest.
Grave robbing.
Hope.
8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
Kids with ass cancer.
Winking at old people.
The Jews.
Justin Bieber.
Doin’ it in the butt.
A lifetime of sadness.
The Hamburglar.
Swooping.
Classist undertones.
New Age music.
Not giving a shit about the Third World.
The Kool-Aid Man.
A hot mess.
Tentacle porn.
Lumberjack fantasies.
The gays.
Scientology.
Estrogen.
GoGurt®.
Judge Judy.
Dick fingers.
Racism.
Surprise sex!
Police brutality.
Passable transvestites.
The Virginia Tech Massacre.
When you fart and a little bit comes out.
Oompa-Loompas.
A fetus.
Obesity.
Tasteful sideboob.
Hot people.
BATMAN!!!
Black people.
A gassy antelope.
Sexual tension.
Third base.
Racially-biased SAT questions.
Porn stars.
A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee.
Muhammed (Praise Be Unto Him).
Puberty.
A disappointing birthday party.
An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
White privilege.
Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
Wifely duties.
Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
Queefing.
Wiping her butt.
Golden showers.
Barack Obama.
Nazis.
A robust mongoloid.
An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
Getting drunk on mouthwash.
Lunchables™.
Women in yogurt commercials.
John Wilkes Booth.
Powerful thighs.
Mr. Clean, right behind you.
Multiple stab wounds.
Cybernetic enhancements.
Serfdom.
Kanye West.
Women’s suffrage.
Children on leashes.
Harry Potter erotica.
The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle.
Parting the Red Sea.
The Amish.
Dead babies.
Child beauty pageants.
AXE Body Spray.
Centaurs.
Copping a feel.
Grandma.
Famine.
The Trail of Tears.
The miracle of childbirth.
Finger painting.
A monkey smoking a cigar.
The Make-A-Wish® Foundation.
Anal beads.
The Force.
Kamikaze pilots.
Dry heaving.
Active listening.
Ghosts.
The Hustle.
Peeing a little bit.
Another goddamn vampire movie.
Shapeshifters.
The Care Bear Stare.
Hot cheese.
A mopey zoo lion.
A defective condom.
Teenage pregnancy.
A Bop It™.
Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.
Boogers.
Unfathomable stupidity.
Breaking out into song and dance.
Soup that is too hot.
Morgan Freeman’s voice.
Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
MechaHitler.
Flying sex snakes.
The true meaning of Christmas.
My inner demons.
Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.
My vagina.
A homoerotic volleyball montage.
Actually taking candy from a baby.
Crystal meth.
Exactly what you’d expect.
Natural male enhancement.
Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
Inappropriate yodeling.
Lady Gaga.
The Little Engine That Could.
Vigilante justice.
A death ray.
Poor life choices.
A gentle caress of the inner thigh.
Embryonic stem cells.
Nicolas Cage.
Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.
Switching to Geico®.
The chronic.
Erectile dysfunction.
Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine®.
A bucket of fish heads.
50,000 volts straight to the nipples.
Being fat and stupid.
Hospice care.
A pyramid of severed heads.
Getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.
A subscription to Men’s Fitness.
Crucifixion.
A micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties.
Some god-damn peace and quiet.
Used panties.
A tribe of warrior women.
The penny whistle solo from “My Heart Will Go On.”
An oversized lollipop.
Helplessly giggling at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
Not wearing pants.
Consensual sex.
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.
Funky fresh rhymes.
The art of seduction.
The Devil himself.
Advice from a wise, old black man.
Destroying the evidence.
The light of a billion suns.
Wet dreams.
Synergistic management solutions.
Growing a pair.
Silence.
An M16 assault rifle.
Poopy diapers.
A live studio audience.
The Great Depression.
A spastic nerd.
Rush Limbaugh’s soft, shitty body.
Tickling Sean Hannity, even after he tells you to stop.
Stalin.
Brown people.
Rehab.
Capturing Newt Gingrich and forcing him to dance in a monkey suit.
Battlefield amputations.
An uppercut.
Shiny objects.
An ugly face.
Menstrual rage.
A bitch slap.
One trillion dollars.
Chunks of dead prostitute.
The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
The female orgasm.
Extremely tight pants.
The Boy Scouts of America.
Stormtroopers.
Throwing a virgin into a volcano.
Getting in her pants, politely.
Gladiatorial combat.
Good grammar.
Hipsters.
Gandalf.
Genetically engineered super-soldiers.
George Clooney’s musk.
Getting abducted by Peter Pan.
Eating an albino.
Enormous Scandinavian women.
Fabricating statistics.
Finding a skeleton.
Suicidal thoughts.
Dancing with a broom.
Deflowering the princess.
Dorito breath.
One thousand Slim Jims.
My machete.
Overpowering your father.
Ominous background music.
Media coverage.
Making the penises kiss.
Moral ambiguity.
Medieval Times® Dinner & Tournament.
Mad hacky-sack skills.
Just the tip.
Literally eating shit.
Leveling up.
Insatiable bloodlust.
Historical revisionism.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Jafar.
The boners of the elderly.
The economy.
Statistically validated stereotypes.
Sudden Poop Explosion Disease.
Slow motion.
Space muffins.
Sexual humiliation.
Sexy Siamese twins.
Santa Claus.
Scrotum tickling.
Ripping into a man’s chest and pulling out his still-beating heart.
Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse.
Quivering jowls.
Revenge fucking.
Pistol-whipping a hostage.
Quiche.
Zeus’s sexual appetites.
Words, words, words.
Tripping balls.
Being a busy adult with many important things to do.
The four arms of Vishnu.
The shambling corpse of Larry King.
The hiccups.
The harsh light of day.
The Gulags.
The Fanta® girls.
A big black dick.
A beached whale.
A low standard of living.
A nuanced critique.
A bloody pacifier.
A crappy little hand.
Shaft.
Being a dinosaur.
Beating your wives.
Neil Patrick Harris.
Coughing into a vagina.
Carnies.
Nubile slave boys.
Bosnian chicken farmers.
A web of lies.
A rival dojo.
A passionate Latino lover.
Panty raids.
Appreciative snapping.
Apologizing.
Clams.
A woman scorned.
Being awesome at sex.
Spring break!
Another shot of morphine.
Dining with cardboard cutouts of the cast of “Friends.”
A soulful rendition of “Ol’ Man River.”
Making a friend.
A sweaty, panting leather daddy.
Intimacy problems.
The new Radiohead album.
Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game®.
A man in yoga pants with a ponytail and feather earrings.
An army of skeletons.
A squadron of moles wearing aviator goggles.
Beefin’ over turf.
The Google.
Bullshit.
A sweet spaceship.
A 55-gallon drum of lube.
Special musical guest, Cher.
The human body.
Mild autism.
Nunchuck moves.
Whipping a disobedient slave.
An ether-soaked rag.
Oncoming traffic.
A dollop of sour cream.
A slightly shittier parallel universe.
My first kill.
Boris the Soviet Love Hammer.
The grey nutrient broth that sustains Mitt Romney.
Tiny nipples.
Power.
Death by Steven Seagal.
A Burmese tiger pit.
Basic human decency.
Grandpa’s ashes.
One Ring to rule them all.
The day the birds attacked.
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content.
A bigger, blacker dick.
The mere concept of Applebee’s®.
A sad fat dragon with no friends.
A piñata full of scorpions.
Existing.
Hillary Clinton’s death stare.
Catastrophic urethral trauma.
Double penetration.
Daddy’s belt.
Swiftly achieving orgasm.
Mooing.
Rising from the grave.
Subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife.
Some really fucked-up shit.
Weapons-grade plutonium.
All of this blood.
Scrotal frostbite.
Taking a man’s eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and then his balls in the eye holes.
The mixing of the races.
Pumping out a baby every nine months.
Tongue.
Loki, the trickster god.
Whining like a little bitch.
Wearing an octopus for a hat.
An unhinged ferris wheel rolling toward the sea.
Finding Waldo.
Upgrading homeless people to mobile hotspots.
A magic hippie love cloud.
Fuck Mountain.
Living in a trashcan.
The corporations.
Getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group.
Jeff Goldblum.
Survivor’s guilt.
Me.
All my friends dying.
Shutting the fuck up.
An ass disaster.
Some kind of bird-man.
The entire Internet.
Going around punching people.
A boo-boo.
Indescribable loneliness.
Having sex on top of a pizza.
Chugging a lava lamp.
Warm, velvety muppet sex.
Running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere.
Nothing.
Samuel L. Jackson.
Self-flagellation.
The systematic destruction of an entire people and their way of life.
The Quesadilla Explosion Salad™ from Chili’s®.
Reverse cowgirl.
Vietnam flashbacks.
Actually getting shot, for real.
Not having sex.
Cock.
Dying alone and in pain.
A cop who is also a dog.
The way white people is.
Gay aliens.
The primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now.
A cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus.
A lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint.
Slapping a racist old lady.
A black male in his early 20s, last seen wearing a hoodie.
Jumping out at people.
Three months in the hole.
Blood farts.
The Land of Chocolate.
A botched circumcision.
My manservant, Claude.
Vomiting mid-blowjob.
Letting everyone down.
Having shotguns for legs.
Bill Clinton, naked on a bearskin rug with a saxophone.
Mufasa’s death scene.
The Harlem Globetrotters.
Demonic possession.
Fisting.
The thin veneer of situational causality that underlies porn.
Girls that always be textin’.
Blowing some dudes in an alley.
A spontaneous conga line.
A vagina that leads to another dimension.
Disco fever.
Getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick.
Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGYs® to get fifty continuous hours of energy.
Sneezing, farting, and coming at the same time.
Some douche with an acoustic guitar.
Spending lots of money.
Putting an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the VCR.
An unstoppable wave of fire ants.
A greased-up Matthew McConaughey.
Flying robots that kill people.
Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.
Crying into the pages of Sylvia Plath.
The moist, demanding chasm of his mouth.
Filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding.
An all-midget production of Shakespeare’s Richard III.
Screaming like a maniac.
Not contributing to society in any meaningful way.
A pile of squirming bodies.
Buying the right pants to be cool.
Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king.
That ass.
A surprising amount of hair.
Eating Tom Selleck’s mustache to gain his powers.
Velcro™.
A PowerPoint presentation.
Crazy opium eyes.
10 Incredible Facts About the Anus.
An interracial handshake.
Moderate-to-severe joint pain.
Finally finishing off the Indians.
Sugar madness.
Actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers.
The secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction.
The complex geopolitical quagmire that is the Middle East.
Fucking a corpse back to life.
Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits.
Calculating every mannerism so as not to suggest homosexuality.
Whatever a McRib® is made of.
No clothes on, penis in vagina.
All the single ladies.
Whispering all sexy.
How awesome I am.
Ass to mouth.
Smoking crack, for instance.
Falling into the toilet.
A dance move that’s just sex.
The size of my penis.
Some sort of Asian.
A hopeless amount of spiders.
Party Mexicans.
Drinking responsibly.
The safe word.
Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night.
Bouncing up and down.
Jizz.
Ambiguous sarcasm.
A shiny rock that proves I love you.
Dem titties.
My worthless son.
Exploding pigeons.
A Ugandan warlord.
My sex dungeon.
A kiss on the lips.
Child Protective Services.
A Native American who solves crimes by going into the spirit world.
Doo-doo.
The peaceful and nonthreatening rise of China.
Sports.
A fart.
Unquestioning obedience.
Three consecutive seconds of happiness.
Grammar nazis who are also regular Nazis.
Snorting coke off a clown’s boner.
Africa.
Depression.
A horse with no legs.
The euphoric rush of strangling a drifter.
Khakis.
Interspecies marriage.
A gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry.
Almost giving money to a homeless person.
Stuff a child’s face with Fun Dip® until he starts having fun.
What Jesus would do.
A for-real lizard that spits blood from its eyes.
Blackula.
The tiniest shred of evidence that God is real.
My dad’s dumb fucking face.
Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa.
A manhole.
A sex goblin with a carnival penis.
A bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans.
A sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness.
Sharks with legs.
Injecting speed into one arm and horse tranquilizer into the other.
Lots and lots of abortions.
Seeing things from Hitler’s perspective
Too much cocaine.
Doing the right stuff to her nipples.
Giant sperm from outer space.
Oil!
Ennui.
A powered exoskeleton.
A disappointing salad.
Mom’s new boyfriend.
Unrelenting genital punishment.
Denzel.
The swim team, all at once.
The eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion.
Being nine years old.
The unbelievable world of mushrooms.
The Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle.
Vegetarian options.
My first period.
Having been dead for a while.
Backwards knees.
Being paralyzed from the neck down.
Seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes.
A zero-risk way to make $2,000 from home.
A crazy little thing called love.
Ancient Athenian boy-fucking
Out-of-this-world bazongas.
The ghost of Marlon Brando.
The basic suffering that pervades all of existence.
Being worshipped as the one true God.
Figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin.
All these decorative pillows.
A mouthful of potato salad.
Russian super-tuberculosis.
A reason not to commit suicide.
Going to a high school reunion on ketamine.
The passage of time.
Child support payments.
Changing a person’s mind with logic and facts.
My boyfriend’s stupid penis.
The tiger that killed my father.
Genghis Khan’s DNA.
Boring vaginal sex.
40 acres and a mule.
A whole new kind of porn.
Slowly easing down onto a cucumber.
Wearing glasses and sounding smart.
AIDS monkeys.
A team of lawyers.
Getting drive-by shot.
Not believing in giraffes.
Anal fissures like you wouldn’t believe.
A giant powdery manbaby.
Cutting off a flamingo’s legs with garden shears.
P.F. Chang himself.
An uninterrupted history of imperialism and exploitation.
A one-way ticket to Gary, Indiana.
Daddy’s credit card.
September 11th, 2001.
An unforgettable quinceañera.
Deez nuts.
Social justice warriors with flamethrowers of compassion.
Some shit-hot guitar licks.
Butt stuff.
Blackface.
Blowjobs for everyone.
Getting eaten alive by Guy Fieri.
Western standards of beauty.
Ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry.
My dead son’s baseball glove.
Getting caught by the police and going to jail.
A face full of horse cum.
Free ice cream, yo.
The white half of Barack Obama.
The black half of Barack Obama.
An inability to form meaningful relationships.
A bass drop so huge it tears the starry vault asunder to reveal the face of God.
Growing up chained to a radiator in perpetual darkness.
Shitting all over the floor like a bad, bad girl.
A buttload of candy.
Sucking all the milk out of a yak.
Bullets.
A man who is so cool that he rides on a motorcycle.
Sudden penis loss.
Getting all offended.
Crying and shitting and eating spaghetti.
One unforgettable night of passion.
Being popular and good at sports.
Filling a man’s anus with concrete.
Two whales fucking the shit out of eachother.
Cool, relateable cancer teens.
The amount of gay I am.
A possible Muslim.
Unsheathing my massive horse cock.
A bowl of gourds.
The male gaze.
The power of the Dark Side.
Ripping a dog in half.
A constant need for validation.
Meaningless sex.
Such a big boy.
Throwing stones at a man until he dies.
Cancer.
Like a million alligators.
Eating together like a god damn family for once.
Cute boys.
Pussy.
Being a terrible mother.
Never having sex again.
A pizza guy who fucked up.
A whole lotta woman.
The all-new Nissan Pathfinder with 0.9% APR financing!
A peyote-fueled vision quest.
Kale.
Breastfeeding a ten year old.
Crippling social anxiety.
Immortality cream.
Texas.
Teaching a girl how to handjob the penis.
A turd.
Shapes and colors.
Whatever you wish, mother.
The haunting stare of an Iraqi child.
Robots who just want to party.
A self-microwaving burrito.
Forgetting grandma’s first name.
Our new Buffalo Chicken Dippers®!
Treasures beyond your wildest dreams.
Getting shot out of a cannon.
The sweet song of sword against and the braying of mighty war beasts.
Walking into a glass door.
The color “puce”.
Every ounce of charisma left in Mick Jagger’s tired body.
The eighth graders.
Setting my balls on fire and cartwheeling to Ohio.
The dentist.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s opinions.
Turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels.
Rabies.
Important news about Taylor Swift.
Ejaculating inside another man’s wife.
Owls, the perfect predator.
Being John Malkovich.
Bathing in moonsblood and dancing around the ancient oak.
An oppressed people with a vibrant culture.
An overwhelming variety of cheeses.
Reading the entire End-User License Agreement.
Morpheus.
Peeing into a girl’s butt to make a baby.
Generally having no idea of what’s going on.
No longer finding any Cards Against Humanity card funny.
10 football players with erections barreling towards you at full speed.
10,000 shrieking teenage girls.
A big ol’ plate of fettuccine alfredo.
A big, beautiful mouth packed to the brim with sparkling teeth.
A black friend.
A burrito that’s just sour cream.
A cheerfulness that belies a deep-seated self-loathing.
A cold and indifferent universe.
A creature made of penises that must constantly arouse itself to survive.
A creepy child singing a nursery rhyme.
A dolphin that learns to talk and becomes the Dead of Harvard Law School.
A duffel bag full of lizards.
A finger up the butt.
A genetic predisposition for alcoholism.
A gun that shoots cobras.
A hug.
A long business meeting with no obvious purpose.
A man in a suit with perfect hair who tells you beautiful lies.
A man with the head of a goat and the body of a goat.
A massive collection of child pornography.
A medium horchata.
A negative body image that is totally justified.
A slowly encroaching circle of wolves.
A strong horse and enough rations for thirty days.
A terrified fat child who won’t come out of the bushes.
A tiny fireman who puts out tiny fires.
A weird guy who says weird stuff and weirds me out.
A woman’s right to choose.
A woman’s perspective.
Aborting the shit out of a fetus.
Albert Einstein but if he had a huge muscles and a rhinoceros cock.
All these people I’ve killed.
An arrangement wherein I give a person money they have sex with me.
An empowered woman.
An incurable homosexual.
An old dog full of tumors.
An older man.
An X-Man whose power is that he has sex with dogs and children.
Anal.
Antidepressants.
Art.
Assassinating the president.
Awesome pictures of planets and stuff.
Bad emotions I don’t want.
Becoming the President of the United States.
Being sexually attracted to children.
Being turned into sausages.
Beyoncé.
Big, smart money boys tap-tapping on their keyboards.
Blossoming into a beautiful young woman.
Breastfeeding in public like a radiant earth goddess.
Brunch.
Catching a live salmon in your mouth.
Child labor.
China.
Chipotle.
Chris Hemsworth.
Comprehensive immigration reform.
Condoleezza Rice.
Consensual, nonreproductive incest.
Content.
Crazy anal orgasms.
Creamy slices of real, California avocado.
Critical thinking.
Crushing the patriarchy.
Daddy going away forever.
Defeating a gorilla in single combat.
Denying the Holocaust.
Dis bitch.
Discovering that what I really want in life is to kill people and have sex with their corpses.
Doing a somersault and barfing.
Dominating a man by peeing on his eldest son.
Doritos and a Fruit Roll-Up.
Dropping dead in a Sbarro’s bathroom and not being found for 72 hours.
Dumpster juice.
Eating ass.
Eating people.
Eating too many Cinnabons and then vomiting and then eating the vomit.
Ejaculating at the apex of a cartwheel.
Esmeralda, my most beautiful daughter.
Eternal screaming madness.
Every man’s ultimate fantasy: a perfectly cylindrical vagina.
Everything.
Exploring each other’s buttholes.
Facilitating dialogue and deconstructing binaries.
Falling into a pit of waffles.
Farting a huge shit out of my pussy.
Farting all over my face with your tight little asshole.
Feeling the emotion of anger.
Feminism.
Film roles for actresses over 40.
Finding a nice elevator to poop in.
Forty-five minutes of finger blasting.
Founding a major world religion.
Fucking me good and taking me to Red Lobster®.
Fucking my therapist.
Gary.
Gay thoughts.
Gayle from HR.
Gazpacho.
Getting aborted.
Getting blasted in the face by a t-shirt cannon.
Getting eaten out by a dog.
Getting high with mom.
Getting killed and dragged up a tree by a leopard.
Getting laid like all the time.
Getting naked too soon.
Getting pegged.
Getting the Dorito crumbs out of my purse.
Getting this party started!
Getting trapped in a conversation about Ayn Rand.
Going around pulling people’s tampons out.
Going to bed at a reasonable hour.
Gregor, my largest son.
Grunting for ten minutes and then peeing sand.
Guns.
Happy daddies with happy sandals.
Hating Jews.
Having a vagina.
Having an awesome time drinking and driving.
Having sex with a beautiful person.
Having sex with a man and then eating his head.
Having sex with your mom.
Holding the proper political beliefs of my time to attract a mate.
Homework.
Hot lettuce.
How good lead paint taste.
How great my ass looks in these jeans.
How sad it will be when Morgan Freeman dies.
How strange it is to be anything at all.
Huge big balls full of jizz.
Informing you that I am a registered sex offender.
ISIS.
It being too late to stop having sex with a horse.
Jason, the teen mayor.
Jazz.
Just now finding out about the Armenian Genocide.
Late-stage dementia.
Libertarians.
Loud, scary thunder.
Making out and stuff.
Math.
Meatloaf, the food.
Meatloaf, the man.
Menopause.
Mental illness.
Microaggressions.
Misogyny.
Mixing M&Ms and Skittles like some kind of psychopath.
Mommy and daddy fighting all the time.
Moon people.
Muchin’ puss.
My brother’s hot friends.
My dog dying.
My huge penis and substantial fortune.
Objectifying women.
One of them big-city Jew lawyers.
One of those “blow jobs” I’ve been hearing so much about.
Onions.
Opening your mouth to talk and a big penis fops out.
Our baby.
Out-of-control teenage blowjob parties.
Overthrowing the democratically-elected government of Chile.
Participating.
Period poops.
Picking up a glass of water and taking a sip and being the president.
Playing my asshole like a trumpet.
Plowing that ass like a New England corn farmer.
Political correctness.
Pooping in a leotard and hoping no one notices.
Pooping in the potty.
Prematurely ejaculating like a total loser.
Pretending to be one of the guys but actually being the spider god.
Putting more black people in jail.
Quacking like a duck in lieu of a cogent argument.
Quinoa.
Raising three kids on minimum wage.
Reaching an age where barbecue chips are better than sex.
Regurgitating a half-digested sparrow.
Restoring Germany to its former glory.
Rock-hard tits and a huge vagina.
Rolling so hard.
Rubbing my bush all over your bald head.
Salsa Night at Dave’s Cantina.
Scissoring, if that’s a thing.
Seizing control of the means of production.
Self-identifying as a DJ.
Showing all the boys my pussy.
Slamming a dunk.
Smashing my balls at the moment of climax.
Some of that good dick.
Some real spicy shrimps.
Starting a shitty podcast.
Straight blazin’ 24/7.
Sucking each other’s penises for hours on end.
Sudden and unwanted slam poetry.
Swearing praise upon the Sultan’s hideous daughters.
Systems and policies designed to preserve centuries-old power structures.
Tables.
Taking the form of a falcon.
Tender chunks of all-white-meat chicken.
That bitch, Stacy.
The amount of baby carrots I can fit up my ass.
The best, deepest quotes from The Dark Knight.
The body of a 46-year-old man.
The bond between a woman and her horse.
The chicken from Popeyes®.
The clown that followed me home from the grocery store.
The fear and hatred in men’s hearts.
The feeling of going to McDonald’s as a 6-year-old.
The flaming wreckage of the International Space Station.
The full blown marginalization of ugly people.
The full force of the American military.
The government.
The graceful path of an autumn leaf as it falls to its earthen cradle.
The hottest MILF in Dallas.
The LGBT community.
The lived experience of African Americans.
The mysterious fog rolling into town.
The ol’ penis-in-the-popcorn surprise.
The Rwandan Genocide.
The secret to truly resilient hair.
The sweet, forbidden meat of the monkey.
The wind.
Thinking about what eating even is.
Three hours of nonstop penetration.
Tiny, rancid girl farts.
Trees.
Trevor, the world’s greatest boyfriend.
Turning 32.
Twenty bucks.
Twenty cheerleaders laughing at your tiny penis.
Twisting my cock and balls into a balloon poodle.
Two beautiful pig sisters.
Two shitty kids and a garbage husband.
Waking up inside of a tornado.
Watching a hot person eat.
Watching you die.
Water.
When the big truck goes “Toot! Toot!”
Who really did 9/11.
Whomsoever let the dogs out.
Whooping your ass at Mario Kart.
Working so hard to have muscles and then having them.
You.
Several Michael Keatons.
A bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles per hour.
Sucking the President’s dick.
Sunny D! Alright!
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, and my libido.
Log™.
Jerking off to a 10-second RealMedia clip.
The Y2K bug.
Deregulating the mortgage market.
Stabbing the shit out of a Capri Sun.
Wearing Nicolas Cage’s face.
Freeing Willy.
Kurt Cobain’s death.
The Great Cornholio.
Liking big butts and not being able to lie about it.
Yelling “girl power!” and doing a high kick.
Pure Moods, Vol. 1.
Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time.
Pamela Anderson’s boobs running in slow motion.
Getting caught up in the CROSSFIRE™.
Angels interfering in an otherwise fair baseball game.
Cool 90s up-in-the-front hair.
Patti Mayonnaise.
The biggest, blackest dick.
A box within a box.
A boxing match with a giant box.
A box.
Pandora’s vagina.
Former President George W. Box.
Being a motherfucking box.
A falcon with a box on its head.
Two midgets shitting into a box.
A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.
The J15 Patriot Assault Box.
An alternate universe in which boxes store things inside of people.
A box that is conscious and wishes it weren’t a box.
Something that looks like a box but turns out to be a crate.
A man-shaped box.
A box-shaped man.
Boxing up my feelings.
A world without boxes.
The Boxcar Children.
An outbreak of smallbox.
A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer.
A CGI dragon.
A dwarf who won’t leave you alone until you compare penis sizes.
A gay sorcerer who turns everyone gay.
A ghoul.
A Hitachi Magic Wand.
A magical kingdom with dragons and elves and no black people.
A mysterious, floating orb.
A weed elemental who gets everyone high.
Accidentally conjuring a legless horse that can’t stop ejaculating.
Bathing naked in a moonlit grove.
Dinosaurs who wear armor and you ride them and they kick ass.
Eternal darkness.
Freaky, pan-dimensional sex with a demigod.
Gender equality.
Going on an epic adventure and learning a valuable lesson about friendship.
Handcuffing a wizard to a radiator and dousing him with kerosene.
Hodor.
How hot Orlando Bloom was in Lord of the Rings.
Kneeing a wizard in the balls.
Make-believe stories for autistic white men,
Reading The Hobbit under the covers while mom and dad scream at each other downstairs.
Shitting in a wizard’s spell book and jizzing in his hat.
Shooting a wizard with a gun.
The all-seeing Eye of Sauron.
The card game Neil Gaiman wrote: “Three elves at a time.”
True love’s kiss.
A sobering quantity of chili cheese fries.
Going vegetarian and feeling so great all the time.
Kale farts.
Licking the cake batter off of grandma’s fingers.
Real cheese flavor.
Swishing the wine around and sniffing it like a big fancy man.
The Dial-A-Slice Apple Divider from Williams-Sonoma.
What to do with all of this chocolate on my penis.
A belly full of hard-boiled eggs.
A joyless vegan patty.
A table for one at The Cheesecake Factory.
Being emotionally and physically dominated by Gordon Ramsay.
Kevin Bacon Bits.
Not knowing what to believe anymore about butter.
Soup that’s better than pussy.
Sucking down thousands of pounds of krill every day.
A Mexican child trapped inside of a burrito.
Clamping down on a gazelle’s jugular and tasting its warm life waters.
Committing suicide at the Old Country Buffet.
Father’s forbidden chocolates.
Jizz Twinkies.
The Hellman’s Mayonnaise Corporation.
The hot dog I put in my vagina ten days ago.
The inaudible screams of carrots.
A supermassive black hole.
Reconciling quantum theory with general relativity.
Electroejaculating a capuchin monkey.
Insufficient serotonin.
Evolving a labyrinthine vagina.
Getting really worried about global warming for a few seconds.
Infinity.
Oxytocin release via manual stimulation of the nipples.
Uranus.
Being knowledgeable in a narrow domain that nobody understands or cares about.
Achieving reproductive success.
Slowly evaporating.
The quiet majesty of the sea turtle.
A 0.7 waist-to-hip ratio.
Fun and interesting facts about rocks.
Photosynthesis.
Developing secondary sex characteristics.
Failing the Turing test.
Explosive decompression.
Driving into a tornado to learn about tornadoes.
David Attenborough watching us mate.
3.7 billion years of evolution.
The Sun engulfing the Earth.
A complete inability to understand anyone else’s perspective.
A fun, sexy time at the nude beach.
A man from Craigslist.
A night of Taco Bell and anal sex.
A respectful discussion of race and gender on the Internet.
Cat massage.
Destroying Dick Cheney’s last horcrux.
Game of Thrones spoilers.
Getting teabagged by a fifth grader in Call of Duty.
Goats screaming like people.
Googling.
Internet porn analysis paralysis.
Matching with Mom on Tinder.
My browser history.
My privileged white penis.
Pretending to be black.
Smash Mouth.
Taking a shit while running at full speed.
That thing on the Internet everyone’s talking about.
Three years of semen in a shoebox.
YouTube comments.
The Bernie Sanders revolution.
Letting Bernie Sanders rest his world-weary head on your lap.
A beautiful, ever-expanding circle of inclusivity that will never include Republicans.
Black lives mattering.
Donald Trump holding his nose while he eats pussy.
The fact that Hillary Clinton is a woman.
Kicking the middle class in the balls with a regressive tax code.
Keeping the government out of my vagina.
The systematic disenfranchisement of black voters.
Increasing economic and political polarization
Eating the president’s pussy.
Actually voting for Donald Trump to be President of the actual United States.
A liberal bias.
Hating Hillary Clinton.
Growing up and becoming a Republican.
Courageously going ahead with that racist comment.
Dispelling this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Jeb!
The good, hardworking people of Dubuque, Iowa.
Conservative talking points.
Shouting the loudest
Sound of fiscal policy.
Full-on socialism.
A legitimate reason to commit suicide.
A back-alley abortion from a Mexican cyborg doctor.
Whipping lower-class white men into a xenophobic frenzy.
Rage.
Trying to remember what music was.
Roaming through a wasteland of windblown trash and deserted highways.
Bringing millions of dangerous low-paying manufacturing jobs back to America.
A gnawing sense of dread.
Drinking urine to survive.
Nuclear winter.
President Donald Trump.
Casual dismissiveness.
Extra rations for my little girl.
World Wars 3 through 5.
Finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea.
Mild amusement.
Burying my only son.
The purging of the disloyal.
Trying to wake up from this nightmare.
A father and son fighting each other over the last scrap of bread.
Making Islam illegal.
Desperately hurling insults at Donald Trump as he absorbs them into his rapidly expanding body.
Santa’s heavy sack.
Clearing a bloody path through Walmart with a scimitar.
Another shitty year.
Whatever Kwanzaa is supposed to be about.
A Christmas stocking full of coleslaw.
Elf cum.
The tiny, calloused hands of the Chinese children that made this card.
Taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missle.
Several intertwining love stories featuring Hugh Grant.
Mall Santa.
My hot cousin.
The Star Wars Holiday Special.
Krampus, the Austrian Christmas monster.
Pretending to be happy.
Socks.
Eating an entire snowman.
A toxic family environment.
A visually arresting turtleneck.
Fucking up “Silent Night” in front of 300 parents.
Immaculate conception.
Space Jam on VHS.
Gift-wrapping a live hamster.
A Hungry-Man™ Frozen Christmas Dinner for One.
Swapping bodies with mom for a day.
Making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation.
Finding out that Santa isn’t real.
Slicing a ham in icy silence.
The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.
The Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina.
Having a strong opinion about Obamacare.
The royal afterbirth.
Congress’s flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants.
Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.
Moses gargling Jesus’s balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
Giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet.
These low, low prices!
A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.
People with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is.
Jizzing into Santa’s beard.
A simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver.
Being blind and deaf and having no limbs.
Rudolph’s bright red balls.
The Grinch’s musty, cum-stained pelt.
Breeding elves for their priceless semen.
Paying the iron price.
Jiggle physics.
Rotating shapes in mid-air so that they fit into other shapes when they fall.
Firefly: Season 2.
Getting bitch slapped by Dhalsim.
Casting Magic Missile at a bully.
Running out of stamina.
An immediately regrettable $9 hot dog from the Boston Convention Center.
The rocket launcher.
Sharpening a foam broadsword on a foam whetstone.
Loading from a previous save.
The depression that ensues after catching ’em all.
Violating the First Law of Robotics.
Getting inside the Horadric Cube with a hot babe and pressing the transmute button.
Punching a tree to gather wood.
Spending the year’s insulin budget on Warhammer 40k figurines.
Forgetting to eat, and consequently dying.
Wil Wheaton crashing an actual spaceship.
The Klobb.
Charging up all the way.
Vespene gas.
Judging elves by the color of their skin and not by the content of their character.
Smashing all the pottery in a Pottery Barn in search of rupees.
Achieving 500 actions per minute.
Full HD.
The gravity gun.
Reading the comments.
70,000 gamers sweating and farting inside an airtight steel dome.
The Cock Ring of Alacrity.
Yoshi’s huge egg-laying cloaca.
A homemade, cum-stained Star Trek uniform.
Offering sexual favors for an ore and a sheep.
Mario Kart rage.
Bowser’s aching heart.
An angry stone head that stomps on the floor every three seconds.
Nude-modding Super Mario World.
Temporary invincibility.
Being an attractive elf trapped in an unattractive human’s body.
Filling every pouch of a UtiliKilt™ with pizza.
The Sarlacc.
Achieving the manual dexterity and tactical brilliance of a 12-year-old Korean boy.
Allowing nacho cheese to curdle in your beard while you creep in League of Legends.
The collective wail of every Magic player suddenly realizing that they’ve spent hundreds of dollars on pieces of cardboard.
Rolling a D20 to save a failing marriage.
Legendary Creature – Robert Khoo.
Winning the approval of Cooking Mama that you never got from actual mama.
Never watching, discussing, or thinking about My Little Pony.
Turn-of-the-century sky racists.
Unlocking a new sex position.
The boner hatch in the Iron Man suit.
Buying virtual clothes for a Sim family instead of real clothes for a real family.
Google Glass + e-cigarette: Ultimate Combo!
The decade of legal inquests following a single hour of Grand Theft Auto.
A fully-dressed female videogame character.
Getting into a situation with an owlbear.
Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam!
Tapping Sara Angel.
Eating a pizza that’s lying on the street to gain health.
SNES cartridge cleaning fluid.
A madman who lives in a policebox and kidnaps women.
Grand Theft Auto: Fort Lauderdale.
Mistakenly hitting on a League of Legends statue.
Ser Jorah Mormont’s cerulean-blue balls.
The old gods.
Stuffing my balls into a Sega Genesis and pressing the power button.
Attacking from Kamchatka.
Separate drinking fountains for dark elves.
Lagging out.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider and then battling leukemia for 30 years.
A giant mechanical bird with a tragic backstory.
The pure, Zen-like state that exists between micro and macro.
Xena, Warrior Princess.
Endless ninjas.
Whatever Final Fantasy bullshit happened this year.
Collecting all seven power crystals.
KHAAAAAAAAAN!
Futuristic death sports.
The imagination of Peter Jackson.
Demons and shit.
All of the good times and premium gaming entertainment available to you in the Kickstarter room.
A grumpy old Harrison Ford who’d rather be doing anything else.
Taking 2d6 emotional damage.
The Star Wars Universe.
Exciting content!
Rubbing chocolate pudding all over Bill Cosby’s nipples.
What The Rock was really cooking.
Stepping on a god damn friggin’ LEGO.
All this liquid in my mouth.
Giving a dolphin a handjob for science.
Hodor.
A floor that is literally made of lava.
A neck beard that is 10% cheese.
Pelvic sorcery.
Pooping as quietly as possible.
The beautiful sport of Turkish oil wrestling.
No survivors.
Go Fuck Yourself.
A sobering quantity of chili cheese fries.
Going vegetarian and feeling so great all the time.
Kale farts.
Licking the cake batter off of grandma’s fingers.
Real cheese flavor.
Swishing the wine around and sniffing it like a big fancy man.
The Dial-A-Slice Apple Divider from Williams-Sonoma.
What to do with all of this chocolate on my penis.
A belly full of hard-boiled eggs.
A joyless vegan patty.
A table for one at The Cheesecake Factory.
Being emotionally and physically dominated by Gordon Ramsay.
Kevin Bacon Bits.
Not knowing what to believe anymore about butter.
Soup that’s better than pussy.
Sucking down thousands of pounds of krill every day.
A Mexican child trapped inside of a burrito.
Clamping down on a gazelle’s jugular and tasting its warm life waters.
Committing suicide at the Old Country Buffet.
Father’s forbidden chocolates.
Jizz Twinkies.
The Hellman’s Mayonnaise Corporation.
The hot dog I put in my vagina ten days ago.
The inaudible screams of carrots.
Forcing a handjob on a dying man.
A homoerotic subplot.
An origami swan that’s some kind of symbol?
25 shitty jokes about House of Cards.
My constituents.
Punching a congressman in the face.
Strangling a dog to make a point to the audience.
A childless marriage.
A much younger woman.
An older man.
Getting eaten out while on the phone with Dad.
Making it look like a suicide.
Carbon monoxide poisoning.
Discharging a firearm in a residential area.
Ribs so good they transcend race and class.
The sensitive European photographer who’s fucking my wife.
My dick in your mouth.
Corn.
Carribbean Jesus.
Super yoga.
Ladles.
Ejaculating a pound of tinsel.
A heart that is two sizes too small and that therefore cannot pump an adequate amount of blood.
The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation.
Dividing by zero.
Playing an ocarina to summon Ultra-Congress from the sea.
Asshole pomegranates that are hard to eat.
Becoming so rich that you shed your body and turn to vapor.
Faking a jellyfish sting so someone will pee on you.
A sexy naked interactive theater thing.
A giant squid in a wedding gown.
Crawling into a vagina.
A dick so big and so black that not even light can escape its pull.
A double murder suicide barbeque.
A primordial soup and salad bar.
A stack of bunnies in a trenchcoat.
At least three ducks.
Becoming engorged with social justice jelly and secreting a thinkpiece.
Being the absolute worst.
Disco Mussolini.
Greg Kinnear’s terrible lightning breath.
Mitt Romney’s eight sons Kip, Sam, Trot, Fergis, Toolshed, Grisham, Hawkeye, and Thorp.
Mr. and Mrs. Tambourine Man’s jingle-jangle morning sex.
Mushy tushy.
Ringo Starr & His All-Starr Band.
Sandwich.
Saving the Rainforest Cafe.
Sir Thomas More’s Fruitopia™.
Sweating it out on the streets of a runaway American Dream.
That one leftover screw.
That thing politicians do with their thumbs when they talk.
The spooky skeleton under my skin.
The token lesbian.
These dolphins.
Three hairs from the silver-golden head of Galadriel.
Water so cold it turned into a rock.
Poutine.
Newfies.
The Official Languages Act. La Loi sur les langues officielles.
Terry Fox’s prosthetic leg.
The FLQ.
Canada: America’s Hat.
Don Cherry’s wardrobe.
Burning down the White House.
Heritage minutes.
Homo milk.
Naked News.
Mr. Dressup.
Syrupy sex with a maple tree.
Being Canadian.
Snotsicles.
The Famous Five.
Schmirler the Curler.
Stephen Harper.
A Molson muscle.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
An icy handjob from an Edmonton hooker.
A bitch slap.
One trillion dollars.
Chunks of dead prostitute.
The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
The female orgasm.
Extremely tight pants.
The Boy Scouts of America.
Stormtroopers.
Throwing a virgin into a volcano.
A fuck-mothering vampire.
Tentacle rape.
FUNimation.
Narutards.
Dead catgirls.
Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
Mewtwo.
Cowboy Bebop.
Fullmetal Alchemist.
Futanari.
Vash the Stampede.
Sarah Fuckin’ Palin.
Naruto.
Idiots who don’t seem to realize that Avatar: The Last Airbender isn’t really an anime.
A fat middle-aged man in a Sailor Moon costume.
Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series.
OVER 9000!!
Aya Hirano being gang-banged by her entire band.
“. . . .”
A mindfuck.
A Hello Kitty! vibrator.
The Death Note.
Being eaten by a titan.
The Hare Hare Yukai dance.
Getting your penis cut in half.
Cousin marriage.
4Kids.
Watching FLCL while tripping on acid.
Sticking your finger up her ass.
Standing outside the gates of the White House completely naked with a revolver in your hand.
Catholic priests who drink, smoke, and carry guns.
Your virgin soul.
Engrish.
A dead meme.
Twincest.
Drills for hands.
Asian cock.
Holy dildos.
Lolis.
Hot-blooded shonen protagonists.
Crispin Freeman.
Steve Motherfuckin’ Blum.
Norio Wakamoto.
Eating an entire box of Pocky in a single bite.
Gen Fukunaga counting his money.
Hatsune Miku.
Strangling hardcore otaku nerds with razor wire.
A big-breasted 14-year-old wearing a bikini and sucking on a popsicle.
Henry Goto being savagely raped by a bear.
Yet another goddamn Goku vs. Superman argument.
FANSERVICE!!!
Weeaboos.
Aniplex of America.
Kyubey.
Wearing panties on the head.
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing.
CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES.
Brina Palencia as an angsty teenage boy, Monica Rial as his bratty little sister, and Shelley Calene-Black as their hot mom.
Boku no Pico.
Nice boat.
A Bleac

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All in one

Debarati Palit Singh 08.57 PM
Tehelka, a five-storey restaurant, offers everything under the sun — a casual and a fine dining place, a night club and an open air area. So depending on what kind of fun you want, choose your venue and also enjoy the delectable food
If a restaurant can combine a casual dining area, a night club with a dance floor, a fine dining place and a rooftop restaurant, can you ask for anything more? No. Tehelka, the three-month-old eating joint at Pimple Nilakh, is a five-storey restaurant, which offers all that diners want and under one roof.
On the first floor is a casual dining area called Fluid Lab, the second floor hosts a fine dining restaurant for families called Soul Kitchen, the night club Tehelka is on the fourth floor and The Deck on the fifth floor is an open-air restaurant. The third floor houses the kitchen and office. We decided to visit the place on a Tuesday night and the first thing that impressed us was their valet parking service, so the stress of ‘Where do we park our car now?’ was gone in a jiffy. After checking out all the floors, we decided to sit at The Deck and enjoy the cool summer evening. The Fluid Lab looks like a fun place with Texan cowboy kind of ambience. The bar is at the corner, it has funky paintings on the walls and wooden high tables and chairs. When we visited it IPL matches were being telecast live on a big screen.
Next, the manager guided us to Soul Kitchen, which has comfortable seating area. Chairs with velvet upholstery and artificial plants hanging from the ceiling add a nice touch to the decor.
As we entered Tehelka, the DJ was playing Bollywood music and the big dance floor looked very welcoming. However, we decided to skip it. That said, the moment we stepped into the top floor, we fell in love with the open space and enjoyed our meal under the stars. One can take a seat at the wrought iron round tables and chairs or the bench style seating areas; we chose the latter. English music playing in the background made it a perfect setting for a good nightout. The general manager of the restaurant, Sujit Rajput, informed us that the restaurant is owned by Appa Dalvi, Devnarayan Sahu, Rajkumar Yadav and Mukesh Saha. “The whole idea behind Tehelka was to offer all kinds of option to our patrons. They can choose to enjoy a meal with their family or have a fun time with friends. We serve liquor and so far, the food menu is the same on every floor. This is a 240-seater restaurant so space is not a problem,” he said adding, “We are planning to serve only finger foods on first, fourth and fifth floors where people can enjoy drinks and starters.”
Their menu includes Indian, Oriental and Continental cuisines. Rajput says that they serve traditional food but the names on the menu are interesting and innovative like Mushroom Cappuccino, Seafood Bisque, Paneer Ke Kurkure, Spinach and Cheese Bharwan Kumbh, Tehelka Nachos, Mustard BBQ Pineapple Prawns, Crispy Spicy Calamari, Szechwan Vegetable Dim Sum, Chicken Caesar Salad etc. For starters, Rajput recommended Cheese Sticks and Spicy Chicken Tikka Cigar. We also ordered a pint of beer which was served with complimentary Nachos. Spicy Chicken Tikka Cigar was yummy and filling. It had minced chicken rolled in chicken breast. With every bite we enjoyed the delectable flavours of Indian spices, and the mint chutney added to the taste.
Cheese Sticks were served with salsa. The mild taste of cheese and the tanginess of Tomato Salsa perfectly balanced the flavours. The sticks were crunchy and we couldn’t stop at one. For the main course, we ordered Chicken Thai Curry (red) with Lemon Rice and Dhaniya Mirch Murg. Dhaniya Mirch Murch was served with Wheat Roti and Jeera Rice, so it’s a complete meal. It had medium pieces of chicken and, as the name suggests, a strong flavour of dhaniya (coriander leaves). It wasn’t spicy at all and was a welcome change from the usual onion and tomato gravy.
The Thai Curry was bang on. It had rich flavours of coconut milk and lemon grass. The curry went well with Lemon Rice. After a hearty meal, we decided to enjoy the breeze and ambience a little more before heading home. ST READER SERVICE Tehelka is located at New DP Road, Vishal Nagar, Pimple Nilakh, and is open from noon-midnight Tags

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UAE-India food security alliance planned

UAE-India food security alliance planned Winding up her visit, Al Mehairi said this alliance would have strategic importance Published: March 28, 2019 21:02 WAM Mariam Saeed Hareb Al Mehairi, the UAE Minister of State for Food SecurityImage Credit: Ahmed Ramzan/ Gulf News A food security alliance between the UAE and India is envisaged soon, Mariam Saeed Hareb Al Mehairi, the UAE Minister of State for Food Security, said here on Thursday. Winding up her two-day visit to New Delhi, Al Mehairi said such an alliance would have strategic importance and UAE’s proximity to India made it feasible. She described it as “work in progress” following her visit which generated wide interest in India in view of the critical importance of food security for the second most populous country in the world. The UAE Ambassador to India, Dr Ahmed Al Banna, who along with the Minister, addressed the crème de la crème of the India’s agro and food processing industries and said the possibilities for productive engagement between the two countries in this sector were immense. The private sectors of both the UAE and India were looking at these opportunities and Dr Al Banna envisaged joint ventures in the food sector soon. He put the UAE Minister’s pioneering visit to India in this context. The interactive session was hosted by India’s premier industry organization, the Confederation of Indian Industry, CII, which has leading companies from the agro and food processing sectors among its members. Al Mehairi said her concept of a bilateral food security alliance was similar to strategic cooperation between the UAE and India in energy security, which was conceptualized following recent high level exchanges by leaders of both countries. This arrangement is working well and Abu Dhabi’s oil is now being stored in India’s strategic oil reserves in Karnataka state. Priyanka Mittal, who briefed Al Mehairi and Dr Al Banna on behalf of CII, said 85 per cent of India’s basmati rice exports go to the Middle East. The UAE is the number one destination for the famed agricultural produce, which is integral to any Arab cuisine that includes rice. Mittal called for harmonization of safety and other standards between the UAE and India in the area of food and agriculture business for augmenting cooperation. She also called for engaging each other on mutual protection of trademarks. Al Mehairi unveiled the idea of setting up an “Indian food city” in the UAE. It could be set up in a free zone in the UAE and would work well for value addition in the zone and exports to third countries. Such a facility would allow India to bring its advanced food and agricultural technology which can be harnessed in the UAE for mutual benefit. Several UAE companies in the food sector which are looking to promote business with India in this new area of bilateral cooperation attended the interactive session hosted by CII. They included ADVOC, which specializes in vegetable oil exports and Lulu, which sources food from India for its retail chains on a large scale. The UAE-India Business Council was also represented. Haridas Pantheeradi, Director of CII’s Gulf, Middle East and North Africa department explained the rationale for the interaction.

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